Whatever Happened to Saturday Night?
by Cececat
Summary: Columbia- a groupie- is pregnant and is pretty sure that this kind-hearted biker (and new lover of Frank's) named Eddie is the father. How will she survive telling 'darling Frankie'... if she even does tell him? And will her roommate Magenta help her? (Please Read/Review!) NOW COMPLETE!
1. Chapter 1

**A/N (9/13/2016) : So... I've decided to edit this story. It's not that good and I want to fix it. Though so much fixing is needed I plan to rewrite most of it. I'll keep the story posted while I edit it a bit - which means it won't be 'nice' for a while. All chapters with this note are being worked on. **

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**Disclaimer: I don't own** ** _The Rocky Horror Picture Show_** **.**

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My name is Laura 'Columbia' Trent. Yes, like the picture company. My life feels like a weird b-movie so that kinda nickname fits. Originally, of course, I just thought it sounded cool. Anyway...

When I was a teenager I left home for no real reason. I guess I was just too. Soon enough I ended up at a castle of all places. There was a guy there who wore fishnets and garters and the most divine corsets. He was attractive physically and broke all sorts of normal society's rules when it came to anything sexual. Living in that mad castle of his was wonderful for a rebellious little misfit like myself. He also had two servants. They're incestuous siblings named Magenta and Riff Raff. The former took a liking to me and allows me to sleep in her room, while the latter finds me painfully annoying. He terrifies me just be existing in general... so we're even.

These eccentric persons were all aliens from the planet Transsexual, in the galaxy Transylvania. It's far away and full of kinkiness Earthlings (especially Americans) can't really handle. Though I'd been getting really tired of no being around people from my own planet, which is Earth. So it's a good thing Frankie found another earthling to live here. The new person- Eddie -is the only person who seems to care about 's he only person in years who thinks I'm something more than a cute girl. The fact that I left school at age 17 made things easier when it came to such things. The younger, the prettier, the better.

But I'm not "that girl I found last week" to Eddie. No. I'm his _darling_ Columbia. Yet, Frankie still sees us both as 'playthings'. It's sort of weird being considered a 'playmate' of someone. Ew, that phrase is just so... gross. If you think about it most things involving Frank are unpleasant. Though That's why my relationship with Eddie is sort of a secret.

Magenta seemed to sympathize with me. She knows about our 'secret'. I guess hiding her relationship with her brother from some people is a bit similar. It's hard to keep anything from a roommate/sometimes lover/best friend for life. Not to mention she's pretty nosy at times. She 'sees all' like a fortune teller. Except fortune tellers use tea leaves, not security cameras installed withe voyeuristic intention. Her spying is less creepy than anything Frank does, I think. At least she's does other stuff with her beloved cameras...

Anyway, after a nice dinner one day in August, she cornered me once we'd entered to our room. Clearly she was up to something dreadfully devious. That woman is imaginative. Though what she then said shocked me. You see, I'd expected her to say something about the both of us. Definitely not something about a _house_.

"You've seen that old abandoned house down the road, right?" she asked.

"I think so. Why?"

"Well, since the Master is on a shopping trip all weekend, I thought you and Eddie might want to go on a date. Does that sound like an interesting idea?"

I knew there'd be a catch. "What do I owe you?"

"Some fun with me tomorrow night. And $10 dollars in exchange for the roses Riffraff bought for Eddie to give to you."

The first part didn't sound bad at all. But the second part? I don't really have any money of my own. Except some I earn on those tap dancing gigs every few months...

But this was worth spending some of it.

"Fine," I told her.

She smiled. "Well, then. I'd better get you dressed up."

"What do you mean?"

"I'm not letting my roommate go out on a date in her ugly pajamas and those funny mouse-ears... and no makeup," she explained, rolling her eyes.

"Oh."

So, I ended up in one of those weird burlesque outfits. A girdle with garter straps, black fishnet stockings, a lacy black bra, a dark red vintage evening dress, and not-too-high heels. Magenta also made me wear red lipstick and dark eye makeup.

That sort of thing looked good on her, not me. I felt like a kid dressed up in clothes belonging to her older sister or mother.

"I look silly," I said bluntly.

"You look _lovely_ ," she argued.

I rolled my eyes.

And then she led me out the semi-hidden backdoor of the castle. Apparently Riffraff was supposed to bring Eddie out to meet us in a minute. I felt slightly like a teenager being sent off to prom by their mother. Thinking about that and what I'd be doing with her tomorrow night made me wrinkle my nose in disgust. Though it's not like she was actually my mother. Or the right age to be my mother, for that matter. She couldn't be more than a decade older than I.

Soon enough, Riffraff and Eddie appeared. The latter held a bundle of three roses in his hand. He gave them to me.

"Here ya go" he said.

It was adorable, how weirdly nervous he was. This really felt like a high school date!

Then again, we'd only known each other for a month or so...

The three of us (Riffraff had gone back to the castle for some reason) walked to the house, chatting. I kept giggling my usual high-pitched giggle as we entered the building. Apparently Riffraff hadn't been able to convince Eddie to wear a formal outfit.

So he wore jeans, a tee shirt, boots, and his leather jacket.

Then we actually got to the house. What must've once been a foyer or front hallway was now some sort of bizarre bedroom/living room. They (Magenta and Riffraff) had made a bed out of blankets for us (Eddie and I). We sat down right there, and I leaned against his shoulder.

A moment later Riffraff showed up carrying one of those paper grocery bags.

Out of the bag he pulled a bottle of… "Wine?"

I should've known that roses don't cost that much! That was real nice wine, I could tell from the dust on it.

Riffraff held up the bottle. "It's not that fancy, it's just-"

"It's fancier than bootleg gin I stole out of my Grandfather's basement," Eddie pointed out cheerfully.

It surprised me that bootleg gin even existed anymore, though I didn't mention the fact. I'd thought nobody cared for the stuff now that the 1920s were over. Though Eddie did say his 'grandfather'. Anyway, Riff Raff poured everyone a glass of the wine.

"A toast! To dear friends," Magenta said, raising her glass.

"To my girl Columbia and me," Eddie added.

"To Magenta and Riff Raff!" I shouted, holding up my glass.

Everyone laughed… except for Riff Raff. He chuckled creepily, as you'd expect.

Then Magenta and her brother did their weird secret handshake, which I often referred to as 'Elbow Fuck'. At that point I hadn't mentioned the nickname for fear of pissing them off.

So we then sat their sipping our wine and pretending to be fancy New York people. The snobby artsy kind who prefer Bach to Bowie. Well, I acted like those sorts. Eddie just behaved like his usual self. Using outdated rock n' roll slang and reciting crude jokes.

"Now, I think you two should go to bed," said Magenta, still laughing.

Riff Raff quickly left the room. His sister followed him a moment later, smiling her usual unsettling smile at us.

...and then Eddie kissed me. A sloppy kiss. But still a kiss. Eagerly kissing him back, I wrapped my legs around his waist. For some reason we sort of... fell over. Now I lay on top of him. Oh, he was definitely enjoying this. I don't think he really paid any attention to what I wore. He was too busy thinking about... other things. Somehow we both got _properly_ undressed. And then... well, you know what happens next. Passionate, awkward, gross-if-you-think-about-it lovemaking that nobody else actually needs to know about. Graphic stuff that would offend your dear old mother. Not that she's never gotten involved in that sort of thing, if she's your _mother_...

After it was all over we both collapsed, bodies still tangled together. My lips fell upon his in a wonderful kiss. I can't remember what happened next, so we must've fallen asleep. Yes, we definitely fell asleep.

At about midnight, Magenta woke us up by shining a flashlight in both our faces.

"You'd better go home now," she whispered. "Get dressed!"

Home.

I can't believe I'd call that place home. It's not really nice… but I lived there and somehow don't mind it. Actually, I was happy there most of the time.

Ever since Magenta went through that phase where she constantly read books on earthling psychology, she's been saying I have this thing called Stockholm Syndrome. Apparently that means I've become emotionally attached to Frankie ever since he and Riffraff kidnapped me six months ago. Since he's been kind to me I stopped hating him. Now I don't want to leave and I can't help but obsess over how kind he was…

… or the books Magenta read claimed. It's all sort of true. I really think he's wonderful and everything, and became almost unnaturally devoted to him. I legitimately loved him though he rarely did anything for me. Though, a few months later, I was terrified that I'd upset him. You see, I was pregnant from that night. Pregnant with the child of Frank's _other_ playmate. The allegedly gay playmate. Oh dear.

I didn't mention my new condition to _anyone_... at first.

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 **Please Review!**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N (9/13/2016) : So... I've decided to edit this story. It's not that good and I want to fix it. Though so much fixing is needed I plan to rewrite most of it. I'll keep the story posted while I edit it a bit - which means it won't be 'nice' for a while. All chapters with this note are being worked on. **

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**Disclaimer: I don't own** ** _The Rocky Horror Picture Show_** **.**

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 _September, 1974_

I was first sick in the second week of September.

Stupidly enough, I thought I had the flu. What else could it be? There I was one lovely Thursday afternoon throwing up that nice I'd eaten for lunch. Knowing something was wrong, I went to the doctor that weekend. Apparently morning sickness can happen at nearly any time of day. Whoever named it 'morning' was a fiendish liar or a bachelor who'd never trained in the medical field. Or both, for all I knew.

The closest doctor was (mercifully) a _woman_ named Dr. James. Now, I can't handle the thought of male doctors because... well, for obvious reasons. After I'd waited for a while in a little room. It was the sort of strange 'family-owned' doctor place that looks sort of shady at times. Since I had no actual job or insurance or _any_ ID this was the sort of doctor I'd get to go to. It wasn't ever good to draw attention to myself so I suppose

Dr. James asked me all sorts of questions though was polite about everything. Luckily she was polite enough not to comment on my odd appearance or suspicious amount of cash. _That_ I'd stolen from Frank, though he kinda owed me by then. wanted to help me and didn't seem too upset when she told me the 'good' news. It was clear she pitied me to some degree. Indeed, I probably looked like some kind of prostitute to her. Not that I was wearing tons of makeup. Though when I thought about it the makeup. I felt shameful.

"Just try to eat properly and avoid too much exercise," she told me. "Though you should still go walking sometimes. It's a balance, like everything else."

Yes, everything was a balance. Dating Eddie while still making sure Frank was happy. Being able to hide my condition in front of Magenta but not keeping too much from her. All a balancing act... on the verge of collapse.

Thank God Magenta didn't drive me there or something (or so I thought at the time). It would've been better to have her with me for support and related nonsense, though I _then_ believed I just keep the whole affair secret. Like my relationship with Eddie. Neither were going to stay secrets for much longer at that point. Like both Dr. James and I said, it's a balance.

At least I knew whose kid it was. That was because Magenta had once tole me that her sort of alien and humans can't have offspring. I'd bet that Frankie doesn't know that, since he seems to know very little about such things. That gave me the idea of pretending that the child was Frank's when it became obvious. I can't exactly lie to him, since I don't want to be a sort of betrayer. Yet cheating on

For weeks I constantly thought of this yet kept my mouth shut. My head felt ready to burst soon enough. On the 22nd (I'd begun keeping track of the days out of boredom), Magenta cornered me. She'd noticed my odd behavior. Everyone would've by then if they bothered paying attention.

"I know something is wrong. In fact, I think I know exactly what's wrong. As long as you don't do something stupid, like stop eating, I won't say anything," she whispered to me.

Clever girl. Why did she always know everything? Well, I knew the answer to that. But even now.

"How did you figure it out?" I asked, my suddenly far lower than usual.

She rolled her dark green eyes. "It's obvious. Though I doubt any of the boys even know that _anything_ is wrong. You know how boys are..."

"Oh?"

"Between their 'little science project' and Eddie being the Master's new lover, they're all ever so busy," she explained.

The science project was new, but the second part of what she'd said was worse enough to distract me. I cringed in horror at the idea of explaining to a teenaged version of the baby how their daddy had an affair with their mommy's ex-lover… that sounded kind of twisted all of a sudden. Though the whole affair was twisted. My life in general at that point was twisted beyond comprehension.

Laughing suddenly, Magenta lit a cigarette. "I'm surprised you're taking this so seriously. Whatever happened to 'cheerful smiling Columbia'?"

"I can't be cheerful. It's not funny anymore…it's not funny at all," I said mournfully.

She rolled her eyes. "You're only so upset because of the mood swings. That's another symptom I quickly noticed."

"Speaking of you knowing everything about all this... didn't you realize that, 'cause Eddie is human, he could get me pregnant?" I asked. "You set up that date. Did you _mean_ for this to happen?"

Magenta sighed dramatically. "I think we were all so glad that the Master had gone on that weekend shopping trip that nobody was really thinking. So it makes far too much sense _you_ forgot. Eddie probably "

We stood there in odd silence for a minute. It bothered me that

"So..." Magenta said. "What're you going to do?"

"Huh?"

"About the sweet, lovely baby that's waiting for the worst possible moment to be born. The child that's going to cause months of nausea, mood-swings, and other unpleasantness. Nine months of not being able to let the Master touch you - he'll hate this news. I don't think you can raise the baby around here, even if the Master neglects to kill you or send you away. You probably can't take care of him or her, either, since you aren't responsible."

"I'm _not_ killing it."

"Is that even possible?" she asked, raising an eyebrow in surprise. "That's not very polite."

I shrugged. "I think it's possible. Though you're right, I'm only 19. I can't do anything on my own."

"When will you tell Eddie?" she asked.

I took a deep breath. "I have no fucking clue. How old is _he_ , anyway?"

"Er... he's about your age."

Ah, there's one thing in the universe Magenta didn't know! She seems to know everything by default. I suppose it's due to her brooding manner. Some I hadn't ever found something she definitely didn't know until this point. Not that she had any reason to know Eddie's age, it was borderline creepy for her to.

We stood there in silence for a while. Suddenly, we heard a knock at the door. Magenta answered it.

Luckily, it was just Riff Raff looking for his sister. He's always looking for her when he'd got free time. After throwing the cigarette she'd been smoking into a trashcan full of makeup-covered tissues, Magenta left the room with him. With a dramatic sigh I collapsed onto my bed and stared pointlessly at the ceiling. I felt sick again, though I didn't feel like standing up.

That evening I didn't go to dinner.

Magenta said only Eddie seemed suspicious of this. Frank was to busy being dreadfully self-centered and Riffraff was too busy sulking. It's funny, how they're all so wrapped up in their little lives that they can't notice me. The only person who isn't focused on mostly their own mind is Magenta. Everyone's business is also Magenta's business automatically, somehow. Sometimes I feel she's more than merely human. Well, more than alien. Like she's some kind of supernatural entity that sees everything, including stuff normal security cameras can't. Or she's like Big Brother from the unsettling book _1984_. That's a dreadful thought, though at least 'Magenta is Watching' is too stupid a tagline to be taken seriously.

"I had to tell him that you're sick. And then I had to tell him that you're to sick to see him!" Magenta told me when she'd returned to the room, holding an apple. "Here's an apple."

"You should've sent him up to see me. I'm mostly fine," I replied cheerfully.

"You're perfectly fine. And _that_ would make matters worse," she replied darkly.

And only moments later we went to bed. Separate beds, of course. She claims the baby kicks her if I snuggle with her. Though

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By the next week I'd decided to leave my room. Magenta was tired of making up excuses and I was just plain bored.

Not that anybody actually cared…

Frankie was to busy being his usual selfish self. That meant shouting at everything and ignoring me. He didn't used to ignore me! Now that he ignores me everyone does.

Well, at least Eddie seemed glad that I wasn't 'sick' anymore.

"How are ya, babe?" he asked.

"Okay," I replied.

After that brief exchange, I went back to my room. I collapsed onto my bed and stared at the boring ceiling.

"What are you doing?" Magenta asked.

"Staring at the ceiling in utter boredom," I replied dully.

"Stop it."

I sat up. "Stop what?"

"Being all moody. It's annoying."

Then she left.

A few hours later, she returned with a book.

"Here's some entertainment," she said, handing it to me.

"It looks like something clever people read," I told her sullenly.

She laughed. "Don't be silly. You can read anything you want to."

And then I burst out laughing. "Except for those indecent porn stories you read. Remember, you banned me from borrowing those off your bookshelf."

At that she rolled her eyes. "I didn't want you getting any ideas, my dear little earthling friend. And who are you calling indecent? At least I don't "

"I'm not the one watching everyone! You always swear you don't use those cameras for voyeur, but that's just... I don't know."

She cleared her throat and pointing to the book I held. "Let's read something more family-friendly for now. A Classic, "

Sort of defeated, I nodded in reluctant agreement. Then she sat down beside me on my bed. That bed happens to be nearly too small for one person to sleep in, which is one of it's few positive attributes. I snuggled against her (and she wrapped one of her arms around my shoulder) as she began to read...

" _In Styria, we, though by no means magnificent people, inhabit a castle, or schloss. A small income, in that part of the world, goes a great way. Eight or nine hundred a year does wonders. Scantily enough ours would have answered among wealthy people at home. My father is English, and I bear an English name, although I never saw England. But here, in this lonely and primitive place, where everything is so marvelously cheap, I really don't see how ever so much more money would at all materially add to our comforts, or even luxuries. My father was in the Austrian service_ …"

The first few pages bored me so very much. I quickly fell asleep due to this. The next morning, when I awoke, I realized that Magenta had fallen asleep next to me not soon after I'd faded out of consciousness.

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 **Please Review!**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N (9/13/2016) : So... I've decided to edit this story. It's not that good and I want to fix it. Though so much fixing is needed I plan to rewrite most of it. I'll keep the story posted while I edit it a bit - which means it won't be 'nice' for a while. All chapters with this note are being worked on. **

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**Disclaimer: I don't own** ** _The Rocky Horror Picture Show_** **.**

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 _October, 1974_

Nobody seemed to care that I existed or paid much attention to me - which was in some ways useful - even as I began to behave oddly and exhibit signs of my condition it did draw most people's attention. I realized that I was only still at the castle because I knew too much about the aliens being, well, _alien_. Leaving would be betrayal and I had nowhere else to go anyway.

Since Frankie was by then busy with his Little Science Project, which apparently involved bringing back corpses, he ignored me. The more I thought about things the more I realized he didn't actually like me at all.

These days only Magenta seems to care about me.

That's probably because nobody ever talks to her these days. Everyone is to busy being clever mad scientists.  
"It's really my brother doing the work. He's an actual scientist," she said with a sigh.

We were sitting in our room. It was a Wednesday, sometime in the early afternoon.

Both of us were quite bored.

She sat on her bed, smoking a cigarette and rereading a fashion magazine.

I sat on my bed, watching her read the fashion magazine.

"I wonder what Eddie has been up to lately," I said.

With a laugh, she tossed the fashion magazine on the floor. "You probably don't want to know."

We sat in awkward silence for a minute. Magenta spoke first.

"Speaking of Eddie, won't his son be born in May?"

"I think so. Why?"

"Should we plan on telling him? You're going to start getting fat soon."

I sighed. "He'll probably freak out and tell Frankie. And then I'll be kicked out or murdered. Anyway, I've been eating a lot. That'll explain weight gain."

"Do you have any relatives? To raise Eddie junior?" she asked.

I thought about that. Nobody in my family would approve of that sort of thing. And half of them thought I was dead.

"I don't have any relatives that don't hate me. Eddie has that crazy ex-Nazi uncle who works for the government, but-"

"- If you tell him you'll also have to tell Eddie which will freak everyone out. Lovely."

We sat there in terrible silence.

"Can I pretend the kid is Frankie's? Then I'm less likely to get turned into science project fodder," I said after a moment.

"That'll be worse in the long run. Anyway, he knows that humans and aliens can't have kids."

After a moment I realized something. "Why are you helping me, Magenta?"

She stared at me. "Because… I'm your friend. I guess."

I jumped up and hugged her. "Yay! My weird alien roommate doesn't hate me!"

"Why would I hate you?" she asked, laughing.

"I don't really know. You just seem so… something. So… snobby."

" _You_ seem annoying." She smiled as she said that, so I figured she meant it in a nice way somehow.

Then she lit a cigarette.

We sat there in odd silence for a moment. Then, I heard Frankie shouting from somewhere else in the castle.

"MAGENTA! WHERE ARE YOU? WE NEED DINNER!"

Rolling her eyes, she left the room.

Then she lit a cigarette.

We sat there in odd silence for a moment. Then, I heard Frankie shouting from somewhere else in the castle.

"MAGENTA! WHERE ARE YOU? WE NEED DINNER!"

Rolling her eyes, she left the room.

One Monday, Magenta started reading that book to me again.

"The boring one?"

"It gets better. Just let me read a few more pages."

I gave in.

To my surprise, it got interesting. The main character's friend couldn't visit her because she'd died, and then she met this chick who got in a carriage crash outside her castle.

To my annoyance, Magenta stopped reading at that point.

"I'll read a bit more later," she said.

The next Monday we read more. And the next.

It became our 'thing'.

I spent most of the time sulking moodily or eating too much. She spent most of the time being a domestic or having elbow sex with her brother.

But on Monday evenings we read. Sometimes I read it out loud, too.

And she'd lie next to me those nights.

"Columbia, I think Riffraff is getting suspicious," Magenta said one day.

We were both painting our nails a vibrant shade of red.

"It's pretty obvious we're up to something," I conceded.

"I can't lie to him like this!" she growled.

"Lie? About what?" said a deadpan voice that could only be Riffraff's.

He stood in the doorway looking annoyed. That's not saying much, since he always looks annoyed... and slightly stoned.

"So... you are up to... something," he said quietly.

Magenta nodded.

"Nothing too... terrible?"

"I'm having a baby," I replied.

He raised an eyebrow. "Oh? What does that have to do with-"

"Whose is it?" said someone in the hallway.

Then, I saw Eddie standing behind Riffraff... looking very worried.

This wasn't amusing. At all.

"Your's, of course," I replied.

A terrible silence fell upon the room.

"Whoa. This is weird," Eddie said after a minute.

"Very," Riffraff agreed coldly.

More silence.

"When?" Eddie suddenly asked.

"What do you mean?" I replied.

"When are you having the kid?" he asked.

I stared at him. "In May, of course. Don't you remember?"

"Oh! Right."

As Riff Raff led him away, I began to worry. He seemed to have some kind of memory loss. Maybe Riff Raff had given him some of his drugs? Eddie already ended up obtaining enough drugs on his own, he didn't need to be given any more

Hopefully not…

Later that month was Halloween. Magenta and Riffraff don't seem to understand it.

"Why do they dress up?" she asked me.

"For fun," I replied.

"The Master would not approve of such a thing."

These days I was getting more and more annoyed at him. It really was great when it all began. Though he'd technically kidnapped me, life was much better here.

Guaranteed bed and board, you knew everyone pretty well…

That's what makes the castle better.

* * *

 **Please Review!**


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer: Much to my annoyance I don't own _The Rocky Horror Picture Show._ If I did, a ****remake would never ever happen.**

 **A/N: If you haven't already noticed, I've changed when the other chapters take place.**

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 _November, 1974_

The first three weeks went quite nicely.

Nothing interesting happened. Frankie's 'Little Science Project' seemed to be taking up most of his and Riffraff's time. In fact, Eddie and I had even had some time alone.

Magenta would quietly leave the room when he showed up, sometimes.

"So, have ya been to a doctor yet?" he asked.

"Sort of. I went to a doctor when I thought I had the flu. That's how I found out," I explained.

He suddenly looked worried. "Babe, you've gotta go to a doctor."

"How would you know?"

"I almost had a little sibling. My ma… if she'd gone to a doctor it might not of died!"

This worried me. "Well, maybe you're right. But I don't have any form of ID or anything! When I left home in '72, my parents hadn't yet let me get a driver's license. And I don't have any money, since I stopped with the tap dance gigs in June! We rely on Fran- _The Master_ for everything!"

"What about my Uncle Everett? He's rich as hell. _And_ he lives nearby… I think."

And so, we decided to go to Eddie's uncle (Dr. Everett Scott) for help.

"I'll write a letter, and get Riffraff to send it for me, alright?"

"Alright."

It was then that Riffraff entered the room. "Eddie, he's… ready… for you."

An expression of sickened horror appeared on Eddie's face. He stood up and walked to the door the way a condemned man might walk to the gallows.

"Ready for what?" I asked, very worried.

"I'll explain later, babe," Eddie said quietly.

As he left the room I began to cry. Something was very wrong… I _knew_ it!

A moment later Magenta came in, finding me sobbing hysterically.

With a sigh, she kneeled in front of me. "Stop it right now. We've got a convention tonight, and you're supposed to be performing. We need to get you dressed."

I managed to get myself under control. After wiping tears and smeared makeup off my face, she helped me apply my makeup.

"There. Now, put on that cheerful glittery corset. And the top hat with the matching tailcoat. Oh, and your tap shoes!"

Soon enough I wore my entire costume.

Thanks to my increasingly noticeable 'baby bump', I couldn't wear my corset as tightly as I used to. Magenta had to pin straps to it to keep it from falling off. It made me look fat, much to my annoyance.

"You are fat," she replied when I mentioned this. "You're supposed to be."

I rolled my eyes at her blunt honesty.

Something about my bright, glittery outfit cheered my up. I smiled at my reflection. For the first time in a while I felt like my old self. Probably because I'd mostly worn my drab grey pajamas for much of the last four months.

Somewhere nearby a clock chimed. It was 10 PM.

"The Unconventional Conventionalists will be here soon. We've got to go downstairs," Magenta said with a sigh.

"Okay!" I squealed, spinning around.

I was in a far too cheerful mood. As we got on the elevator my feet danced without my brain's permission. Everything seemed wonderful all of a sudden.

"Come _on_ , Columbia."

Apparently I'd been so caught up in my mind that I hadn't noticed that we'd reached the ground floor. Magenta stood nearby looking quite amused.

I tapped my way into the ballroom. None of the conventionalists had arrived yet. In fact, Riffraff was still hanging up some of the decorations.

"Hey, Riff!" I squeaked, spinning.

He raised an eyebrow. "Hello…"

Grinning cheerfully I sat down on top of the broken pinball machine that inexplicitly takes up a corner of the room. That's one of the random 'earthling things' they've collected over the years.

"So… why so cheerful…?" he asked.

"Dunno. Guess its because I'm dressed like my old self… so I feel like my old self!"

That didn't really make sense, but I didn't care.

Then Magenta entered the room. She wore her maid outfit now. Smiling wildly, she walked over to where her brother stood.

"Hello… darling sister…" he whispered.

"Hello, beloved brother," she replied.

As they did their weird 'elbow sex'/secret handshake thing, I wished I had a lover of some kind that I was that devoted to- and that was that devoted to _me_. And then I remembered Eddie. How could I have forgotten him?

Whatever.

It didn't matter right now. I'd be having our kid in five months, and everything would be perfect!

Soon enough, Unconventional Conventionalists began to arrive on their bizarrely identical motorbikes. All of them wore very similar outfits. I smiled cheerfully and waved at them all.

I didn't tap dance, however.

No, I wouldn't do my tap dance until the 12 o'clock Time Warp. That's when the _fun_ begins. Just before Frank reveals his 'Little Science Project' to everyone.

Weirdly, just before the clock struck 12, I faintly heard a knock at the front door and two unfamiliar voices.

Just as the Time Warp began, two ordinary earthlings entered the room. With Magenta and Riffraff... Ooh, the girl kept fainting. Poor darling.

Wait. Ordinary earthlings?

Maybe they could help me escape! When I was supposed to sing about how I loved Frankie, I instead sang about how he'd kidnapped me. They didn't seem to notice. Whatever.

Soon, it was time for my tap dance solo.

Oh, it felt so wonderful to dance again! God, it felt like-

As I was about to dance the dance's climax I felt the baby kick. Oh my god... that hurt! The baby hadn't ever...

Nearly to late I realized the shock had thrown me off balance. I shrieked... and Magenta caught me.

"Don't try that again, Columbia," she hissed.

"Sorry," I muttered.

We rejoined the others and finished the dance. As we all fell to the floor Magenta fell beneath me. Probably intentionally (so I didn't get hurt).

My attention was suddenly on the two earthlings, when the man said: "Uh, anybody know how to Madison...?"

I giggled. Around me, other conventionalists began to mutter in amusement. Then I heard his music begin to play. Miss Prude and Mr Prude were backing up toward the elevator. To where a certain sweet transvestite was.

Miss Prude shrieked in terror and fainted. Again.

"How do you do? See you've met my... faithful handyman!"

So began the song of an ex-lover and savior of mine. Though I hated him, I also loved him for rescuing me from a groupie's horrible life. And didn't he look sexy in that corset. My sweet transvestite all dressed up!

He began talking about a man with blonde hair and a tan. Sounded very strange.

Now he appeared to be inviting them upstairs to the lab. That's when I learned their names were 'Brad Majors' and 'Janet Weiss'.

"I see you shiver with antici..." he began.

I waited tensely for him to finish that sentence.

"...pation."

A delightful shiver ran down my spine.

Then Magenta tapped me on the shoulder. "Columbia! Time to undress our guests."

With a giggle I helped her lead Miss and Mr. Prude into another room. There, Magenta took his coat and Riffraff took her coat. And then the proper undressing began.

Miss Prude squeaked in terror as Riffraff calmly stripped her down to her underclothes. I must admit that, if they weren't plain white, I would consider them rather 'pinup'. Still, that lace-edged bra really did show off her breasts. Though her cleavage wasn't as impressive as Magenta's, it still was quite nice to look at.

And then I looked at Mr. Prude. Ooh, look at his... My, my, my...

"Slowly! Slowly! To nice a job to rush!" I squealed, giggling.

Then, I threw their clothes on the floor.

Before they could properly object to this, Magenta and Riffraff led them to the elevator. I quickly followed.

"Er, is... um, he your husband?" Miss Prude asked.

"We are simply his... servants," Riffraff replied unhappily.

I giggled. Again.

When we reached the lab, Frankie greeted the two guests cordially. They both seemed very uncomfortable. Mr. Prude started shouting about a phone but quickly shut up.

"Asshole," Magenta muttered.

I giggled weirdly.

For some reason I began to feel dizzy. With a sigh, I collapsed in the corner of the room.

As I sat there feeling quite ill, I overheard Riffraff quietly explain that I was ill with an earthling disease that Rocky Horror might catch if I'm too near him. I felt to terrible to ask who Mr. Horror was. After a moment Miss Prude walked over to where I sat.

"Poor dear, you look terrible! Do you need a doctor of some kind?" she asked.

Now I kinda respected her.

"No, not right now... later," I whispered.

At that point I'd begun to suspect it was merely just sickness-which-doesn't-happen-in-the-morning-contrary-to-popular-belief. Janet went back to standing next to her boyfriend (I _think_ that's who he was).

Frankie made a very impressive (and very dramatic) speech about finding the secret of creating life. It made sense, since he didn't seem to understand why Magenta always took "those silly pills" after she'd screwed her brother. What I heard of his glorious speech didn't seem to have anything to do with that, though. Oh well.

Lots of people clapped afterwards. That had woken me up (to my annoyance), since I'd fallen asleep out of sheer boredom.

Then I realized that I'd misheard the entire speech.

Apparently he'd magically made a weird tan guy magically appear in a tank. And that's who the person called 'Rocky Horror' was. The tan guy did many strange things involving body building. I had no damn clue what was going on.

Just as I was falling asleep a very familiar person rode out of the freezer on a motorbike!

"Eddie!" I screamed running over to him.

Then, he began to sing a song about loving rock n' roll. I didn't care what the song was about at all.

"Eddie! The baby kicked!" I shouted, not caring if Frank heard.

He kissed me with bizarre passion. After a strange saxophone solo, he picked me up in his arms and kissed me over and over. With my arms around his neck with both fell to the floor (with me on top of him).

Somehow I didn't care how pissed off Frank probably was that Eddie and I were dry humping each other half to death on the floor.

Out of the corner of my eye I noticed the conventionalists singing and doing this weird chorus line.

Suddenly I heard someone scream "NOOOO!"

Both Eddie and I sat up to see Riffraff hacking Frank to death. Everyone else had frozen in place. Miss Weiss' face was buried in Mr. Majors' shoulder and she was sobbing.

Then, I fainted in insane shock.

The last thing I remember was Eddie's arms around me.

* * *

 **A/N: And so the movie's plot changes! I hope it isn't too strange.**

 **Please Review!**


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer: I don't own _The Rocky Horror Picture Show._ If I did there would be a rule against remakes. And a statue of Tim Curry as _his_ character in the middle of every major city in North America (Brits are too sane for that sort of thing, which is why that wouldn't happen to the UK). **

**A/N: I hope this is in character. Writing Dr. Scott's accented dialogue is just... weird.**

* * *

I was lying on a couch somewhere when I woke up.

An amusing collection of people sat next to me. Magenta crouched just beside me. Janet, now wearing a dressing gown, stood just behind her. Eddie paced around the room looking very worried.

"What's going on?" I asked.

Suddenly, a cheerful expression lit up Eddie's face. "Babe! You're alright!"

Magenta rolled her eyes. "Of course she's okay! She'd only fainted."

"Won't someone just explain what's going on?" I asked. _Again_.

"Frank was about to kill both Eddie and you with an ice pick and Riffraff saved you guys, killing Frank with said ice pick," Janet explained.

"Oh."

In the silence that followed I looked around the room. We appeared to be in the library, a place I'd only been once.

"He's really dead?" I whispered.

Magenta sighed. "Yes. I wouldn't be upset, since-"

"I'm not upset! Of course I'm not... now that he's dead we're free. Eddie and I can go live with his Uncle. Everything is okay now!"

Suddenly, Riffraff burst into the room. "There's an intruder-"

"In a wheelchair?" Eddie asked.

Riffraff slowly nodded.

"That'll be my uncle. C'mon, babe," Eddie said.

I slowly stood up. Still feeling a bit dizzy, I leaned on his shoulder. Riffraff, Magenta, and Janet followed us. We ended up in the foyer, right near the staircase.

"Where's Brad?" Janet asked, as if suddenly remembering the existence of her boyfriend.

"Answering the... door. He apparently... recognized this... 'Doctor Scott'," Riffraff explained.

Suddenly the front door opened. Indeed, Eddie's uncle (who I'd once seen a photograph of) stood there. He looked quite confused.

"Janet?" he shouted, raising an eyebrow at her clothes (well, lack of clothes...).

"Dr. Scott!" she replied cheerfully.

"Eddie?" he said, looking around the room.

"Uncle Everett!" Eddie replied, waving at his uncle.

"Columbia!" Magenta shouted just for the fun of it.

"Janet?"

"Dr. Scott!"

"Eddie?"

"Uncle Everett!"

"Columbia!"

"Janet!"

"Dr. Scott!"

"Eddie!"

"Uncle Everett!"

"Columbia!"

"SHUT UP!" I screamed.

Eddie's uncle wheeled his wheelchair over to where Eddie and I stood. Glaring slightly at me, he began to interrogate us.

"Vho is zis girl? Zat is, vhat is her name?"

"Her name's Columbia... I think."

"Like ze motion picture company?"

"Yes," I replied, glad that someone knew that.

"How long have you known each ozer?"

"Um... four months?"

"Six," I muttered.

"Six months!"

"Vhen is ze vedding?"

"What wedding?" Eddie asked, looking _very_ nervous.

"You've got to have a vedding! Zis girl is having a baby and you haven't planned ze vedding? Vhat sort of person are you?"

After pondering this for a moment, Eddie spoke with great truth. "A broke 20-year-old who got half his brain taken out as part of a science project done by the incest-engaging servant of a crossdressing dude from outer space."

Dr. Scott looked furious. "Vhat? Really? You're broke? Vhy, I thought you had a job as a pizza delivery boy?"

"Yeah... I sort of stopped going to work..."

"Vhat a low down cheap little punk!"

A strange silence fell upon the room.

"I can't believe you're related to this strange young man, Dr. Scott," Brad said, after a moment.

"You know, I've given up on trying to make any sense out of this," Janet added conversationally.

"Good for you," Magenta said sarcastically.

The seven of us stood there in silence for a minute.

"So... I think we've got some frozen pizza," Magenta said after a moment.

"I'm sure hungry after all this," Brad conceded.

"Vell, it's better zan meatloaf," Dr. Scott added.

None of us bothered to ask what he meant by that. We just followed Magenta to the dining room. Somebody had already set the table.

All of us tried to sit down. There weren't enough chairs, however. After a moment Riffraff found a few, and everyone settled in.

"Columbia, where are you planning to live?" Janet said kindly.

"What?"

"Magenta tells me that you and Eddie can't stay here once you've had the baby. You've got to leave, apparently. Brad and I have space at his house, don't we?"

She gave her boyfriend a Look.

"A guest bedroom and the basement could, um, be adapted," he said.

"Zat is very kind of you, Janet. I vas going to offer Eddie his old room at my house."

Eddie chuckled nervously. "Actually, Uncle-"

"You don't vant me to invite my friends in Argentina over for dinner, do you?"

"No! Please don't!"

"Zen ze both of you vill stay at my house, ja?"

"Of _course_ we will!"

Though I didn't really understand that exchange, I decided not to ask about it. Luckily, Magenta brought the pizza in right then. We still conversed as we ate dinner (though about less important things).

Was it even dinner? I couldn't be sure. Hadn't I eaten before the party?

After everyone had eaten we all went to the library again. The grandfather clock in the corner read 1:45 AM. No wonder I was so tired…

"So, I vant Eddie und his girl to pack up all zeir zings tonight. Zen ve can move to my house," Dr. Scott explained, as the rest of us sat down.

This worried me. "Why so soon?"

"It is for ze best. Ze sooner zey move to my house, the sooner I can get her to see a proper doctor. Ve don't zis great niece or nephew of mine to get hurt in any vay. How many months has it been, anyvay?"

"Four," I replied quietly.

HHad it really been only four months? Tonight's insanity felt like at least a few weeks worth of madness, though. Time doesn't work right in the castle.

"Really? Shouldn't she be a bit fat already?" Brad asked.

"Oh, don't be so insensitive," replied Janet, glaring at her fiancé (at dinner I'd learned they were engaged).

"I _am_ a bit fat already. That's why I didn't lace my corset very tightly," I replied, quite annoyed.

After that, they both shut up. Only a few minutes later both they and Dr. Scott left.

Later, Eddie was packing up all my belongings while I tried to fall asleep. I was really tired. Yet somehow I just couldn't sleep. One question kept me awake.

"What's it like outside?" I asked, after far too long.

"Huh?"

"Outside the castle. I've lived here for almost two years. What's it like?"

"Babe, I don't know how to explain it..."

* * *

 **Please Review!**


	6. Chapter 6

**Disclaimer: I don't own _The Rocky Horror Picture Show._**

 **A/N: Hopefully this chapter isn't to weird/boring/out-of-character...**

* * *

The next day, we moved to Dr. Scott's house.

God, I was freaked out. This house was pretty normal... by normal people standards. No shadowy corners for Magenta and Riffraff to hide in (Elbow sex! Elbow Sex!), no cameras set up with voyeuristic intention…

And the pastel decor was getting to me.

It wasn't _all_ bad, however.

Dr. Scott seems to like me somehow. For some reason he gave me Eddie's mother's old room. The expression on Eddie's face told me that that's really meaningful.

"I dunno why he gave you her room, babe... but he never even lets anyone in there," Eddie told me.

"Maybe it's part of his weird obsession with his future great-nephew or great-niece," I pointed out.

"Maybe... but I doubt it."

Whatever the reason, everybody seemed very serious about it.

I spent the first few days in that room. The interior decoration seemed blindingly cheerful compared to the castle. Dr. Scott called a medical doctor in as soon as he could manage, which happened to be about a week after I'd begun living there.

The doctor turned out to be a woman in her 40s.

"Everything seems fine," she explained after checking for a heartbeat and everything.

"Good," I replied.

I'd feared that my last night at the castle had caused some sort of problem. All that running around, tap dancing...

"I think you're going to need a few guidelines to keep things that way, though."

"Guidelines?"

"Yes. You can't keep dying your hair, for example. And you've got to eat certain amounts of certain foods. I've got some papers I can give you," she explained.

"Okay."

All Magenta had told me about human pregnancy was that I'd have mood swings and throw up a lot. As I flipped through the papers the doctor had given me I began to worry. Apparently I'd have to go on lots of walks and take vitamins and stop dying my hair...

The only thing Magenta had cared about was keeping me from throwing up on anything belonging to her.

Speaking of Magenta...

Only hours after the doctor left that very person showed up at the door. If Eddie hadn't intervened, she wouldn't have been let in. Dr. Scott seemed highly opposed to her presence. I wasn't really sure why, though.

"I've been thinking about how we never finished reading that book," she explained sitting

"You're right. I never did learn why Carmilla looked just like the old countess Mircalla Karnstein!"

Magenta laughed. "Ooh, it's because-"

"No! Read it to me, don't give it away," I pouted.

"Fine… _darling_."

Then, she kissed me right on the lips. I thanked any god and/or goddess in existence that Eddie wasn't watching. Since I'd be marrying him in a few weeks that wouldn't be good… and I had a feeling Dr. Scott would freak out.

And then she read the rest of that book.

Quite a few highly painful kicks gave me the impression that my baby also liked when Magenta read. Kinda weird, since Magenta was using her 'sexy voice' to read.

Eddie came in to announce dinner just as she read the last chapter.

"My uncle won't let Maggie eat dinner with us, babe," Eddie told us. .

Magenta flinched at the awful nickname. "I don't care, _boy_."

Oh dear... she was doing her little 'sod off you stupid earthling' act. That happens quite often around Eddie. I guess she's still not used to his existence. After only six months of me living at the castle she stopped being annoyed at me. Though I half think she just wanted sex with a girl for once. Eddie wasn't of any use to her, and she'd only met him eight or so months ago.

And so, she left.

"What's for dinner?" I asked.

"Dunno. I just think we should hurry up and get downstairs before Uncle Everett gets too pissed off at us," Eddie replied with a shrug.

"Okay."

I then followed Eddie downstairs. The light green wallpaper in the hallway and the blue paint on the dining room walls bothered me. Hopefully I'd get used to normal color schemes soon.

After we'd all sat down at the dinner table, I looked at the food we'd be eating. Before now I hadn't really paid attention.

In front of me was a plate with salmon, mashed potatoes, bread, and an assortment of vegetables. Both Eddie and his uncle were only eating salmon and vegetables.

"Why does she get more food?" Eddie asked.

"Because she is pregnant and vhen a voman is pregnant she eats more. Anyvay, you are very fat and need to eat less," Dr. Scott explained.

Eddie glared at his uncle and I stifled laughter.

"So, vhat did ze doctor say?" Dr. Scott asked, after a moment.

"What do you mean, sir?" I replied.

"Vhat vere zose papers she gave to you?"

"Oh, they were just guidelines. Apparently I'm not allowed to dye my hair anymore and I'm supposed to take vitamins. I can let you read it, if you'd like to, sir."

"Vould you stop calling me 'sir'? Vhy don't you call me 'Uncle Everett', like Eddie does?" he asked, with a pathetic attempt at smiling kindly.

An expression of shock appeared on Eddie's face. "Uncle? Ya really want Columbia to call you that?"

"Vhy not? She'll be my niece-in-lav very soon. Speaking of vhich, ve'd better start planning ze vedding. I vant you to marry her before ze baby is born. And empire vaist dresses vill hide her belly, I think."

"Okay," I replied, unsure why he was being so nice.

From all Eddie had told me, Dr S- I mean, Uncle Everett- was a grumpy old man. Not this polite guy looking out for his nephew and the nephew's strange girlfriend. So far he hadn't been mean at all. The worst he'd done was threaten to call his 'friends in Argentina' who I suspected were fictional.

"Speaking of weddings... can ya let Columbia and I sleep in the same room? It's not like I can get her pregnant again," Eddie said.

"And we wouldn't do much more than kiss, since we wouldn't want to hurt the baby!" I added.

Uncle Everett sighed. "Fine."

After we'd all finished dinner everyone went to their bedrooms.

Somehow, Eddie's room reminded me of both the castle _and_ the bedroom of a stereotypical teenager. Nearly everything painted dark grey... floor was littered with laundry... walls plastered with posters...

His bed was a mess. It looked like it hadn't been properly made ever. One of the blankets was almost completely on the floor.

"Sorry that it's so messy," he muttered.

"I don't really care," I replied, rolling my eyes.

We lay down next to each other. I held his hand against my belly so he could feel the baby kicking. By then I was used to the pain of it.

"That's our kid," he whispered in awe.

"Yes, it is."

Wrapping his arms around me, he kissed me.

"G'night, Columbia," he muttered.

"Goodnight, Eddie."

And so we both fell asleep.

* * *

 **A/N: On a completely unrelated note, a friend of mine saw about half of the movie (out of order!) on YouTube and is currently quite obsessed with a certain Sweet Transvestite. She refers to him as 'Frankie', so I've nicknamed her 'Columbia'. And she almost started calling me 'Magenta' but burst into hysterical laughter at how weird that sounded.**

 **Please Review!**


	7. Chapter 7

**Disclaimer: No, I really don't own _The Rocky Horror Picture Show_**

 **A/N: This chapter is quite short, I'm sorry to say.**

* * *

As the months went by I got fatter. Even though I was supposed to be fat, I didn't like it.

Soon we all had a daily schedule worked out. Uncle Everett taught at the University almost all day, Eddie worked at the coffee shop starting just after lunchtime, Magenta came over in the afternoon to read with me, and then we ate dinner. For some reason Uncle Everett had forced Eddie to start working at the coffee shop. I have a feeling that it had something to do with the dress code he'd have to follow.

Magenta and I had finished reading _Carmilla_ after only a few days. Then, Magenta decided to read Shakespeare with me.

"Why? I can't understand most of it!" I whined.

"If you want I can point out all the dirty jokes. The earthling who wrote this really seemed to like that sort of thing," she replied.

"Fine!"

After a while I began to enjoy listening to her read. We'd sometimes take turns reading, in fact. From these plays I got ideas for the baby's name.

For some reason it became Magenta's job to remind me to take vitamins and force me to go on walks. I couldn't help but wonder what her brother thought of all this.

"He's too busy trying to fix the castle. Apparently we can't go back to our planet unless he does a few things. If you ask me, he just likes it here," she explained.

And so weeks and months went by.

In March, eight months in, I realized something.

Eddie, his uncle, and I were sitting in the living room. I was showing them a list of names I'd picked out. Uncle Everett was politely feigning interest at this.

"I just realized something... we never got married!" I said.

"I vould've forced you two to get married, if ve all vere'nt so busy. But you vill get married once zis baby is born, ja?"

"Of course," Eddie replied.

"I von't have to invite my friends from Argentina to make sure, vill I?"

"No!"

I rolled my eyes. At that point I pretty much knew that these friends of his were fictional. Poor Eddie didn't, apparently.

We then went back to looking at names. In the end, we'd decided on one first name two middle names- all inspired by characters from plays Magenta read me.

* * *

 **Can any of the readers/reviewers figure out the name of Columbia's daughter?**

 **She shares her first three names with characters from Shakespeare's plays:**

 **First name= a woman Romeo failed to woo**

 **1st Middle name= a shrew that needed taming**

 **2nd Middle name= a debatably suicidal girl from Denmark**

* * *

 **Please Review!**


	8. Chapter 8

**Disclaimer: Much to by annoyance I don't, in fact, own _The Rocky Horror Picture Show_. 20th Century Fox and Richard O'Brien do. Lucky sod...**

 **A/N: In this chapter Columbia has the baby. Hopefully it isn't too strange.**

* * *

Whoever says that childbirth is quick and relatively painless is a liar.

Babies don't just show up. No, you must sit in a hospital room for nearly 12 damn hours and be in pain and curse at people and throw a television remote at your stupid boyfriend who fell asleep and have an IV in your arm so you can't move around too much and wish that those bloody annoying nurses could just give you painkillers of some kind.

And then it's over and you fall asleep.

The baby was a perfectly healthy girl. We named her Rosaline Katerina Ophelia Scott, RKO for short. I don't think Eddie's uncle approved of the nickname. But we wanted to name her after a movie company, since I'm named after Columbia Pictures.

Because the universe is stupid, I had to stay in the hospital for a few days. They make you do that for some reason.

Only a few people were allowed to visit.

Thankfully one of those people was Magenta.

"I bet you're glad you and Riffraff can't have kids," I grumbled.

"Actually we can. Incest isn't a problem back on Transylvania," she replied.

"Good for you."

Finally I went home.

Eddie's mom's old room had been redesigned as a nursery. It looked quite nice all things considered. The walls were a purple-grey color. Nothing like the castle.

"I didn't vant you to think of ze castle. Eddie says zat ze lab vas painted pink. It vould be bad to remind you of zat terrible place," Uncle Everett explained.

"It's wonderful," I replied.

None of us realized how noisily babies cry until 3 AM that first night back.

It woke everyone up. I was the only person actually in her room, since it was my job to take care of her. Soon enough Eddie stood in the room, too, looking very confused.

He wanted to play rock n' roll records for her.

"That's a really stupid idea. Noisy music will scare her," I replied.

Those first few weeks were a nightmare. After a while Rosaline calmed down a bit and everyone got a proper night's worth of sleep.

Even after the baby was born there will still things I couldn't do. Anything involving chemicals or something. That meant no bright pink dye or peroxide.

I'd been looking forward to dyeing my hair again!

We'd begun planning the wedding only weeks after I'd gotten back. Actually, most of the wedding had been already planned by Eddie's uncle. Now it was just time for dress fittings and sending out invites. And choosing bridesmaids.

"I only know two people besides you guys," I pointed out.

"Vhich people?"

"Magenta and Riffraff. I could probably get Magenta to be a bridesmaid though."

"Riff could be best man," Eddie added.

"Vhat about Brad und Janet? Zey are friends of ours."

I hadn't though of them in a while. Weren't they engaged? Or had they already gotten married?

Why don't ya ask Janet to be a bridesmaid?" Eddie asked.

"Maybe I should," I replied.

What a lie! I couldn't invite her. No, she was too normal. The most normal person to ever set foot at the castle. She's what I could've been if I hadn't run off with a band in '71.

"Fine. They'll be invited, and she'll be asked to be a bridesmaid," I said with a sigh.

"Vell, zat vill be nice! I zink zat I vill invite a few other ex-students, friends of Brad und Janet."

"Just don't let those friends of yours from Argentina show up," Eddie muttered, clearly very stressed-out.

Both his uncle and I burst out laughing.

"Eddie, he really doesn't have any friends living in Argentina," I explained.

"I must say, I didn't actually believe you vould fall for zat. Und you believed it for zis many years! Ha!"

"Am I really that stupid?" he asked, after a moment.

"Yes," I replied cheerfully.

And then Rosaline began to cry. She always interrupted things!

We actually had the wedding in June.

It took quite a bit of time to explain earthling wedding tradition to the Transylvanians. Poor Eddie was given the task of making sure Riffraff didn't wear his favorite bloodstained shirt. Also, alcohol was banned from the ceremony.

Magenta was quite annoyed that she had to wear 'that ugly pastel tent'. On the condition that she wouldn't wear fishnets or makeout with her brother at the ceremony, I let her get the dress altered to be much more fitted. It looked much better on her then, anyway.

"Nobody is allowed to flash people during picture time, okay?" I told both bridesmaids, just after the last rehearsal (two days before the actual wedding).

Janet wrinkled her nose. "Why would anyone do that?"

"Columbia used to, didn't she? Her breasts often fell out of her those corset tops she always wore. You were quite talented," Magenta said sweetly.

"I don't think you needs to say that," I muttered.

"What's happened to you?" Magenta asked, looking quite worried.

"Hmm?"

"You used to be much more fun. Living with respectable persons has made you grow up too much," Magenta mused, a strange sadness in her eyes.

"I'm sorry, I-"

"Don't be sorry. I think we three need a party. One last night of partying before Columbia becomes Mrs. Scott." The way Magenta said this made me worry slightly.

Janet giggled. "Ooh, Betty and I watched _Guys & Dolls_ the evening before my wedding! It was so much fun!"

"How drunk did you get?"

The cheerful expression on Janet's face slowly faded into one of innocent confusion. "Drunk?"

"Yes. Drunk. How drunk did you get?"

"Neither of us drink."

This surprised me, and horrified Magenta.

"We'll see about that!"

* * *

 **A/N: Poor Janet! Since this is an AU where she and Brad never got seduced by Frank, she still a boring, normal person.**

 **Please Review!**

 **(By the way, can't people write more detailed review? They all just say 'please update'. I don't mean to complain or anything, though I _do_ wish people would say more.)**


	9. Chapter 9

**Disclaimer: I don't own _The Rocky Horror Picture Show_. Or _Monty Python's Flying Circus._**

 **A/N: So, I was trying to think of a really bizarre way for Magenta to seduce Janet. Then I remembered the sketch about taxes in Season 2, Episode 2 of _Monty Python's Flying Circus._ It's quite disturbing, the way I used quotes from the sketch. I solemnly apologize to Graham Chapman, John Cleese, Eric Idle, Terry Jones, Michael Palin, and Terry Gilliam. For those who haven't seen that sketch, it's basically these guys talking about how they've taxed everything that people like except sex, which is referred to as 'thingy' (much to the confusion of some of the characters in the sketch). **

**Again, I apologize to Monty Python.**

* * *

The next evening Magenta and Janet showed up at my doorstep, the latter looking quite frightened.

"We're going to the castle. Riffraff has set up Monty Python in the ballroom," Magenta explained.

I wasn't sure what Monty Python was, but got in the car anyway. The drive there was only about 15 minutes, all of which were spent in awkward silence. I wasn't sure if Janet was praying or humming _Luck be a Lady_. Poor woman looked terrified.

Monty Python turned out to be a Television Show. Apparently some kind of comedy. We watched it on a projector screen.

"Er, how is this different than watching _Guys & Dolls_?" Janet asked.

"It's funnier," Magenta replied simply.

I giggled as the television episode began. Janet's already pale face turned paler at the sight of a British man sitting at a desk in the middle of nowhere.

 _"And now, for something completely different._ "

She let out a squeak of terror and fainted when a wild man appeared on the screen and said: _"It's!"_

Unfortunately (or maybe fortunately) for her, she missed the entire opening credits sequence. Magenta managed to slap her awake in time for a person on the screen to say that he 'hadn't expected some kind of Spanish Inquisition' after his Wife began asking many questions in an attempt to understand 'trouble at the mill'.

"No more fainting," Magenta hissed, when the sudden on-screen appearance of red-robed Spanish Inquisition startled Janet.

To my amusement, Janet downed the bottle of beer Magenta had handed her. I suspected she'd just been searching for a distraction from the television. Knowing Magenta, the drink was spiked with something quite strong.

 _"…and an almost fanatical devotion to the pope! And nice red uniforms and- Oh Damn!"_

The drink was definitely spiked. Janet laughed far too wildly when the Spanish Inquisition guys tied a dish rack to the Wife.

 _"I'd like to be in programme planning but, unfortunately, I've got a degree,"_ said Mr. Proper Brit on the screen.

"Hhhaaa! A degreeee!" Janet slurred.

"I have a feeling she doesn't even know what any of that meant," Magenta whispered gleefully, taking a swig from an unmarked bottle.

"Yes indeed," I replied, giggling.

By the time we were at a scene where these British government guys began talking about taxes, Janet was lying on the floor giggling and saying something about the sky… or Havana, Cuba… or Marlon Brando… or all of the above. I wasn't really sure what the hell was going on in her head.

"This!" a rather tipsy Magenta announced. "… is the _best_ scene. We've all _got_ to watch it!"

Drunken Janet sat up. "Reaaally?"

Nobody answered her.

 _"Well, most things we do for pleasure nowadays are taxed…. except one,"_ one of the people on the television said cheerfully.

Ooh, I knew where that was going.

The character began happily explaining how smoking and drinking have been taxed. " _But not…'thingy'."_

"Do you know what thhhat is, Janet?" Magenta asked, talking noisily over the movie.

"No… donnn… do nottt."

Magenta's eyes widened. "I can… _show_ you what it means."

At that point I began to think she'd been faking most of the drunkenness. Magenta only did that with her eyes when she was (mostly) sober. I hadn't really drunk much either, I realized. Oh dear. I knew what she was up to…

By then the television had 'magically' turned off.

Now Janet was lying on the floor laughing wildly.

"Time for fun," Magenta growled.

I giggled at this.

That night we did certain... things even I wish to forget. What an imagination Magenta has! And Janet seemed to enjoy it quite a bit.

The next morning, Magenta and I had to carefully put Janet's clothes back on her without waking her up. This was a simple, yet awkward, task. She was clearly fast asleep.

"Can we do this again sometime?" Magenta asked, as we made coffee for poor Janet.

"What? 'Seduce' friends who are probably straight?" I hoped that Janet didn't remember any of it. That would get us in quite a bit of trouble with her husband (among other people).

"No. I meant sex."

My eyes widened in shock. "That's cheati- I'm getting _married_ this afternoon! It doesn't work like that."

"I don't understand earthling relationships. Weddings especially. Who wants to get stuck with one person forever? Boring!" she replied with a dramatic sigh.

"What about you and Riffraff? He seems pretty devoted to you."

"He's different, an oddity by Transylvanian standards. Ever since we were kids he's been a bit too attached to me, letting only me share his bed. Our parents died pretty early on, you see. So he only seems to like me. I, on the other hand, "

"An oddity? That's what you- _wait_ , what do you mean by 'kids'?"

"I was 15, he was 17. It's okay."

Then I stopped asking questions. I didn't want to know any more.

Anyway, we had to get Janet up. After being kicked by Magenta a few times she woke up. She looked quite annoyed.

"I had a very strange dream," she later said, as she drank her coffee.

Magenta raised an eyebrow. "Oh?"

"Yes. _Very_ strange. I think I'm a homosexual."

This was pretty funny, especially the choice of words. I almost choked trying to stifle laughter.

"Oh dear. Have I offended you?" she asked, her eyes wide with genuine worry.

"No," I replied, as politely as possible.

"It wasn't a dream, you see," Magenta added cheerfully.

And then she fainted.

"Why does she do that?" Magenta asked.

* * *

 **Please Review!**

 **(To the reviewer who thought Magenta seemed jealous, she's supposed to be somewhat confused about how earthling relationships work. Hopefully this chapter explained some of that.)**


	10. Chapter 10

**Disclaimer: I don't own _The Rocky Horror Picture Show._**

 **If I did own it (and ruled the entire world), remakes would be illegal. And anyone who protested against the 'anti-remakes' law would be forced to watch that scene in the _Star Wars Holiday Special_ where Chewbacca's dad fantasies about the weird glittery disco lady.**

 **A/N: I'm sorry about the swearing (Magenta's use of the 'f-word'). In my mind, Magenta is just the sort of character who says things like that.**

* * *

"I have a headache," Janet whined, as she and Magenta donned their bridesmaid outfits.

"It's called a hangover. You got very drunk yesterday and now your head hurts. Just shut up about it, please," Magenta replied coldly.

Janet sighed dramatically. "Can you explain _why_ I was drunk? I still don't really get it!"

"Magenta put something much stronger than beer in that bottle you drank," I explained.

"Why?"

At this Magenta rolled her lovely green eyes. "So we could fuck for no reason. Just shut up about it already and help Columbia get dressed."

I winced at my friend's bluntly honest words and harsh tone of voice.

By then they both wore their pinkish-goldish knee-length dresses. My long white dress had a belt in the same color. Since my dress had a lace-up corset back, they had to help me into it.

It also had lots of glitteriness. The strapless bodice was adorned with clear crystals, white sequins, and the fabric appeared to be made of that shiny

"Ooh! You look so lovely! My, your prettier than both Magenta and I!" Janet squealed.

"You think she's _prettier_ than us?" Magenta growled, clearly annoyed.

"It's an, er, Earth tradition for the bride to look nicer than everyone else," Janet explained.

"I'm liking earthling traditions less and less," Magenta muttered.

Then, I cleared my throat. "You haven't finished lacing my dress up. _And_ you still need to do my makeup and hairstyle."

"Why did Mr. Scott have to ban you from shaving your eyebrows and dyeing your hair?" Magenta asked.

" _Dr._ Scott got really annoyed of me having to draw my eyebrows on daily. Anyway, I didn't feel like it half the time. I'll start dyeing my hair again when I stop having to, er, breast feed baby Rosaline."

Janet smiled politely. "You look fine with your hair its natural color. It's pretty, that brownish-blondish color."

Again, Magenta rolled her eyes. "Whatever. We've got to be at that church in half an hour. That means we need to do Columbia's makeup and hair now. No chatting about stupid things!"

Soon enough, they'd finished getting me 'all dolled up'. This included put 'glittery clip-thingies' in my hair and making me wear boring people makeup… neutral lipstick, only a little bit of _brown_ eyeliner, and a bit of blush that was far from the bright pink I used to wear (when I always wore makeup). I looked like Janet. Ew.

"Oh, it's time to leave," Janet muttered, after looking at her watch.

"Speaking of which… who's driving?" I asked.

"I am," Janet replied. "Everyone, save for us three, already got to the church... I think."

And so, Magenta and I got in the back seat and Janet got in the driver's seat. Only moments after we pulled out of the castle's driveway, Magenta's hand managed to end up on my shoulder and slowly make its way into the bodice of my dress.

And then she began kissing me on the neck. Now I was very glad she wasn't wearing bright red lipstick (like she'd wanted to).

"Can you _not_?" I muttered.

"You're my favorite not-yet-deceased and/or annoyingly old female lover. I can't stand the fact that you're going to go away forever…" she whispered in my ear.

"I'm trying to become an ordinary human again. No more weird sexiness. No more castles. No more things that are fun, come to think of it."

Leaning against my shoulder, she sighed dramatically. "You're giving up all the fun. And just for that fat motorcycle kid. What's happened to the party girl with the glittery clothes and dark eyeliner?"

"I don't know. Anyway, his uncle forced him to go on a diet so he's not that fat anymore."

"But you really won't _touch_ me every few nights? Do you think I'm ugly now? Just because I'm wearing a different dress doesn't-"

"I still think you're quite sexy. I'm just trying to be a normal earthling again. And normal earthlings have long-lasting relationships with only one person."

Janet, whom I'd forgotten about, cleared her throat. "We're here now. And I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that conversation, okay?"

"Jolly good," Magenta replied sarcastically.

We all got out of the car. Indeed, we were parked right outside the church. It was the same church that we'd all worked at for a while. The Transylvanians wanted to learn about earthlings first hand and I'd had nothing better to do. Since we'd all worn drab costumes people there wouldn't recognize us… or so I hoped.

They made me wait in this room on the side of the church.

Apparently Eddie wasn't allowed to see me until I was standing at the altar. It was then, as I stood there in boredom, that I realized I'd never actually been to a wedding. A while ago, Magenta said that Frank was going to 'marry' the muscle man Riffraff built. But then he got killed.

But if he hadn't been killed, then either both Eddie and I would've died… or just Eddie would've died. So it's a good thing both Frank and his creature died. Especially since Riffraff was able to give Eddie part of his brain back…

And then my two bridesmaids burst into the room.

"Columbia! It's time!" Janet said gleefully.

* * *

 **Please Review!**

 **A/N: Speaking of reviews, I'm very thankful for that one Guest Reviewer is writing those really long reviews. It's really cool to see that there are people interested enough to say something more than 'update, please'. Not that shorter reviews are any less wonderful...**


	11. Chapter 11

**Disclaimer: I don't own _The Rocky Horror Picture Show._**

 **A/N: This chapter isn't very good. Hopefully it's good enough for my lovely reviewers.**

* * *

Dr. Scott- that is, Uncle Everett- was supposed to 'give me away' since I don't really have a dad. That was a bit strange, since he was my husband-to-be's uncle.

Whatever.

So, he led me up the aisle. Since he's in a wheelchair this was kind of awkward. I had to carry the bouquet in one hand and have my other arm be limp by my side so that he could hold onto it.

I tried to avoid looking at the people sitting in the church, because I didn't know any of them. Most of them looked like Janet or Brad with small variation in hair color and/or skin tone. They smiled, though I wasn't sure if it was out of manners or because the actually wanted to be there. I think normal people like weddings. Staring at my feet, I didn't look at them.

When I got to the altar I finally looked up. There stood Eddie looking nicer than usual in a suit, Riffraff scowling, my two bridesmaids, and an older man who I assumed to be the priest.

"Mawage! Mawage is what bwing us togeder today. Mawage, that blessed dweam within a dweam within a dweam!" the priest began.

"Ve don't vant you making speeches," Dr. Scott hissed.

People giggled. At least they weren't giggling at me…

"Where is the ring?" the priest asked.

The priest's strange accent had disappeared. Must've been an act.

We stood there in silence for a minute.

"Eddie? Did you lose it?" Dr. Scott whispered, clearly very annoyed.

"I thought _you_ were supposed to keep track of it! It's got actual diamonds on it," Eddie replied just as quietly.

After a moment, Dr. Scott found the box with the ring in his jacket pocket. "You vere right. Now let's just get on with things!"

"Do you, Columbia, take this nice boy, Edward D. Scott, to be your lawfully wedded husband?"

"I do," I said, smiling.

"Do you, Eddie Scott, take this girl wearing a pretty dress, named Columbia, to be your lawfully wedded wife?"

"I do."

"I pronounce you man and wife! You may now kiss the bride and then eat lots of cake at a reception-"

Eddie and I kissed a sweet, romantic kiss.

"-And I think they're going to have little tea sandwiches with cucumber, which sound lovely, and _then_ -"

"Shut up," Riffraff muttered, kicking the priest's shoe.

Though he looked rather offended, the priest stopped talking.

Seconds after we exited the church, a camera guy Eddie's uncle had hired appeared.

"So, let's get a nice picture of the happy couple," he said.

Everyone but Eddie and I moved away from the church steps… except for Magenta.

The cameraman cleared his throat. "I meant the bride and groom."

 _Then_ she finally took the hint.

After that many more pictures were taken. Even Riff was in a few (though he glared evilly at the camera). Finally, they wanted a picture of…

"Now, the bride and her bridesmaids," said the cameraman.

I had a feeling that this would be one of the few photos Magenta would want a copy of, so I decided to do something that might amuse her. Just before the picture was taken I pulled down the top of my dress for a second.

After that, we (Eddie, Magenta, Janet, and I) got in Janet's car. I made Magenta sit in the front, so that Eddie and I could sit next to each other. We were supposed to go to the reception then.

They'd refused to tell me where the reception was.

"How long will it take to drive there?" I asked.

"Not long," Janet replied cheerfully.

"They didn't tell me either, if that makes anything better," said my new husband.

What a lovely word! Husband! I had a husband! Now I was Mrs. Edward Scott, not Columbia the Groupie. Though my new name was somewhat boring it seemed more normal. More grown up. Not everything would be different, though. Mrs. Edward Scott would dye her hair like Columbia the Groupie did. If she ever had the time...

"We're here," Janet said.

The car ride, I realized, had been very short. My eyes widened when I realized where we were.

"The _castle_? A party of earthlings at the old castle owned by Transylvanians?" I shrieked.

Magenta laughed. "Where else could we have the party? You two met here!"

"The party is in the ballroom," Janet elaborated.

The four of us walked into the house and through the foyer. Out of the corner of my eye I noticed that Janet seemed a bit jumpy. Of course, the only two times she'd been here very strange things had happened.

We entered the ballroom. It looked very different.

Where Frank's throne used to be someone had set up a table of all sorts of food. Nearby was the 'bar', from which alcohol was being supplied. A few tables were set up for people to sit at.

Music was playing from an old record player in the corner. To my amusement the song playing appeared to be the _Time Warp_ played, by a sweeping theatrical orchestra, at a very slow tempo.

The guests all look familiar, thankfully.

Brad was awkwardly trying to chat with Riffraff, while Dr. Scott was near the record player watching everyone else with narrow eyes.

Janet's friend Betty Hapschatt was sitting in one of the chairs, holding 3-month-old Rosaline. Somehow, Betty had become our default babysitter. I guess being friends with ordinary, respectable earthlings comes in handy. Anyway, I think Betty wanted to practice being a mother (since she's currently pregnant).

"Ze bride und groom are here!" Dr. Scott exclaimed, when he saw us.

"And the bridesmaids," Betty added with a nervous laugh.

Magenta went over to stand by her brother and Janet went to her husband.

"Bride and groom get the first dance," Janet said sweetly.

We all stood there in silence.

"Er, how does one slow-dance the _Time Warp_?" I asked after a moment.

More silence.

"Riffraff," Magenta said, just barely loud enough for me to hear from across the room.

"Hmm?"

"Time to turn _that_ music on!"

He walked over to the wall, near the food table, and opened up a panel. After he clicked at a few buttons music began to play out of the walls. Dr. Scott turned off the record player.

...And then we all danced.

Well, everyone except for wheelchair-bound professor, the baby, and the frightened looking babysitter.

* * *

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	12. Chapter 12

**Disclaimer: I don't own _The Rocky Horror Picture Show._**

 **A/N: In this chapter Columbia is rather out-of-character. That's intentional. Like Columbia, I usually talk a lot and act ridiculously cheerful. Very rarely I'll sort of shut down and my mind will feel numbed and blank. This chapter is written from such a point of view.**

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The day after the wedding I woke up earlier than usual.

Eddie and I had done what people usually do the night after they get married. Though, the next morning, I began to worry. I began to think about being 'stuck with one person', as Magenta said. What if I wanted to go back to that life or-

Suddenly, I heard Rosaline crying. She needed breakfast.

After putting on my dressing gown I went to her room.

"Shh," I whispered, as I cradled her.

Though it really grossed me out, I was still breast-feeding her. Unbuttoning my nightshirt suddenly repulsed me. It reminded me of when I used to joke around and flash people at Frank's parties.

Half the time I felt like a freak for all I'd done... yet sometimes I missed that freedom.

My mind felt numb. I felt like giving up. Poor little Rosaline needed to be looked after, but I suddenly didn't feel like doing anything.

Later, downstairs in the kitchen, I sat at the table and stared at a cup of coffee that I was going to drink. I'd forgotten to. Nothing mattered then.

Rosaline was now asleep in a portable cradle we'd bought so that she could be in the same room as me nearly all the time.

I kept reminding myself of her. Nothing seemed to matter... yet logically I couldn't abandon her. Guys don't know how to care for kids. Well, they do... but she needs a mother.

Later, when Eddie came downstairs, I still sat at the table.

"What are you doing? Columbia, dear?"

That's another thing. Now that he was a respectable young man he called me 'dear' instead of 'babe'.

"I don't know," I whispered.

"What do you mean?" he asked, looking concerned.

"I don't know."

"What's going on? Why… why are you just sitting here?"

"I am."

"Columbia… something is clearly wrong. Please tell me."

"I feel blank."

And I did. Usually, I would be bored after seconds of doing nothing. Now time didn't matter. Everything was empty and numb…

"What's wrong with you?"

I didn't feel like talking. My mouth didn't feel like opening.

Then, Eddie left the room. I think he took baby Rosaline with him.

A while later, Eddie returned with his uncle and a doctor.

"She says she's feeling blank," Eddie said.

"Numb," I muttered.

"Oh? Well, I'm Dr. Lloyd."

The doctor held out his hand, though I didn't shake it. I didn't feel like moving. Was there a reason to?

"So, tell me... have you ever felt like this before?"

"You're a shrink," I muttered.

"I'd prefer if you didn't use that word, Mrs. Scott. But that's beside the point. What matters is that we figure out what's wrong. Let's start from the very beginning. I've got a list of questions for you. That should help us."

We then went to the living room. Dr. Lloyd sat in one of the armchairs while Eddie and I sat on the couch.

"Any drug or alcohol use in the past?" he asked, taking out paper and a ballpoint pen.

"Yes," I replied.

"She drank regularly and used to take a variety of drugs," Eddie elaborated.

Dr. Lloyd raised an eyebrow. "Oh? Has she broken these habits?"

"Yes, she has. She wasn't ever an addict. It was just some, er, friends who were a bad influence. Though she hasn't seen... _them_ in a while. They… went away… about six months."

"Jolly good! Drugs are never a good thing," Dr. Lloyd said cheerily.

Silence fell upon the room for a moment.

Dr. Lloyd cleared his throat. "Well, then. How have you been lately? Before the sudden 'mental numbness', that is."

"Vell, her vedding to my nephew vas only yesterday. Ze last few weeks have been quite busy for her, und ze rest of us!"

"And you were quite cheerful then. More cheerful than usual, in fact," Eddie added, putting his arm around me.

Dr. Lloyd raised an eyebrow. "What do you mean by 'cheerful'?"

"Vell… she vas very energetic, und seemed happy about everything. Zhat's how she alvays is, zough. Und she vas getting married."

"Anything else?" Dr. Lloyd asked.

"She wasn't sleeping very much over the last few days."

After a moment of staring thoughtfully at me, through his thick-rimmed glasses, Dr. Lloyd spoke. "I think she's got something we refer to as Manic Depression. This episode of depression is probably a result of you crashing after the hypomania you just experienced. I have a feeling that your use of drugs might've hidden any previous symptoms of the disorder. Anything out of the ordinary you attributed to that, correct?"

I nodded slightly.

A moment later the doctor left.

I'd be taking medicine now, apparently.

* * *

 **A/N: I admit that this isn't a very accurate portrayal of Manic Depression, I know she didn't really have any sort of hypomania in the last few chapters. The ending I've (finally) planned required this, however.**

* * *

 **Please Review!**


	13. Chapter 13

**Disclaimer: I don't own _The Rocky Horror Picture Show._**

 **A/N: I've 'plotted' the entire ending for this story. Hopefully, we'll end up with about four more chapters. And, maybe, a sequel-hook/epilogue of some kind.**

 **As I typed this, I watched _The Rocky Horror Picture Show_ on my computer. Come to think of it, I've watched that movie (on my computer) twice in the last 12 hours... **

* * *

A few days later I was better.

We'd sent Rosaline to stay with 'Auntie' Betty until I was 'being more responsible'. Both my husband and his uncle had jobs and couldn't look after her. And I'd spent my time doing nothing.

Once I'd gone back to normal, I spent most of the time in the house looking after Rosaline. Or going to the shops with Rosaline in a stroller. Or eat luncheon (that's middle-class snob for 'light lunch') with Janet's ditzy friends.

Taking care of a baby really isn't that fun. Before, all I lived for was fun. Now I have responsibilities. I didn't like it.

But life went on.

Magenta came over for dinner sometimes. Eddie's uncle had decided that she wasn't allowed to be around when just I was home. That annoyed the hell out of me. I couldn't talk to her alone or anything.

This made me feel like a child. I'm 19, not 9!

After summer and autumn went by I gave up. I sent 6-month-old Rosaline to stay with 'Auntie Betty and 'cousin' Ralph jr. for the afternoon that day. Now it was November again. November, like the evening I met Janet.

After wrapping myself up in a coat, I got my bicycle out of the garage and went down the road to the castle. Yes, a bicycle. But that's not the worst of it.

My 'James Dean wannabe' husband now works as a stockbroker whilst trying to get a bachelor's degree in business. We live in the house of a well-respected ex-Nazi professor. I get dragged to matinee performances of Noël Coward plays every few weekends.

What the _hell_ has happened to my life?

At least Magenta and Riffraff still live at the castle down the road. For some reason they still haven't left Earth. I have a feeling that killing Frankie was a very illegal thing to do, even though he was a loathsome hedonist.

Anyway…

I soon got to the castle. By then the sun was already beginning to set. After setting the bicycle on the ground I walked up to the door and began to punch it half to death. I was so angry at the whole bloody universe that I didn't care if I dented it.

Can doors even be dented, anyway?

Soon enough, Magenta answered it. As usual, she wore dark-colored clothes and quite a bit of makeup. Ah, what a lovely sight. She never dressed like that when invited over for dinner!

She sighed in annoyance the very moment she saw me. " _What_ are you doing here, Columbia?"

"Looking for you. Can't I come in?"

Rolling her eyes, she ushered me into the library. Things seemed quite a bit more organized than before.

We sat down, next to each other, on the couch.

"How has life been, Magenta?" I asked.

"Hmm?"

"Tell me all the things you can't say in front of Dr. Scott and Eddie."

She laughed that wonderful laugh of hers. "That means nearly everything, doesn't it? Ha! Well, we've received news from an ally of ours back on Transsexual. Apparently Frank N. Furter was wanted for some dreadful crime and we'll be heroes if news gets out that we killed the bastard. Also, Janet has visited a few times. Apparently she really likes me now. It's funny having her around. Though, technically speaking, she's merely a plaything of sorts. You actually mattered."

"Really?"

She nodded, smiling. We sat there in a not-too-unpleasant silence for a moment. Then, Magenta spoke again.

"Oh! I'd nearly forgotten Riffraff and I are thinking about having a child sometime soon."

"WHAT?"

"Probably not until we go back home, though. I'm still planning on having at least a few more months of fun with Janet the fuck-buddy…" she smiled sweetly "…among other people."

Judging by the look on her face she really missed me…

Or she just wanted a girl who wasn't as annoying as Janet.

Not that I really cared.

And we fell into each other's arms and properly screwed for the first time in ages. By the end she'd needed to reapply her lipstick and I needed to clean her lipstick off bits of e that shall not be named.

That sounds revolting, when you think about it…

Later, she helped me dye my hair back to that bright pink color it used to be. At least I still wore it cut short. Some of the glittery clothes I used to wear were still at the castle. They still fit me, too. After my hair was no longer dripping with dye I tried

"You look like your old self now," she said with a laughing.

"I feel like my old self," I replied, grinning somewhat madly at my reflection.

Though I wanted to stay at her house for the night, she forced me to go home. Probably fro the best, I suppose. At least she let me shower and change back into my 'boring normal people' clothes.

Luckily, Eddie doesn't usually get home from work until seven in the evening.

The moment I got back to the house, I phoned Betty and told her to bring Rosaline back to my house. I also invited her for tea. To my surprise, she accepted that invitation.

"Oh my… whatever happened to your hair?" Betty said when she saw me, her eyes widened in shock.

"I dyed it pink again. It used to be this color all the time," I replied with a shrug.

"Oh."

As I cradled a wailing Rosaline, Betty poured the tea into two cute little ceramic teacups. I'd brewed it and set a plate of biscuits on the living room table before she'd gotten here.

"So, where were you?" she asked.

"Getting my hair done." Well, that's mostly true...

Betty chuckled nervously. "Well it looks, um, different now."

A very awkward silence ensued. It was only broken by Rosaline crying again. Babies do that a lot, I suppose.

After convincing Betty to change Rosaline's diaper, we chatted for little while. Then she had to go home.

"Ralph will be home soon. As will Eddie, I suppose," she called over her shoulder as she left.

"Goodbye," I muttered.

Indeed, my husband did get home soon. The first thing he did when he walked in the door was curse under is breath and ask me what I had done to my hair.

"I dyed it. It used to look like this, remember?"

"I remember, dear. It's just that I thought you'd stopped with all that nonsense about the castle. That's the past now."

I pouted. "Everything is the past now!"

"Not everything. But we've got to raise Rosaline in a safe environment. A child's parent shouldn't run off on crazy little adventures every Saturday evening."

Oh my god… he'd figured it out. Or so I believed at first. The next thing he said made me realize that he hadn't.

"My father left when I was ten. Ran off with a mistress of his. Half the reason I was such a badly behaved teenager was that him just disappearing out of nowhere. And when my mother died only six years later…"

He looked on the verge of tears. Now I really felt selfish.

Later, when Dr. Scott got home, we had dinner. Perfectly ordinary dinner.

Later I put on perfectly ordinary pajama pants and a perfectly ordinary pajama shirt. And then I went to the room I shared with Eddie. It was his mother's old room, converted into a perfectly ordinary bedroom in which a perfectly ordinary couple could sleep.

Just before bed I was about to take my medicine… when I realized something.

What better way to rebel than to stop taking my meds? Anyway, I didn't take meds for most of my life and I'm a perfectly sane person.

I didn't care anymore.

I wanted to be the fun rebel I used to be.

* * *

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	14. Chapter 14

**Disclaimer: I don't own _The Rocky Horror Picture Show._**

 **A/N: I really must thank my wonderful reviewers. You guys are practically the only reason I write this stuff. I'm glad people like it! And I'm not as grateful as I should be.  
**

* * *

The next few weeks I spent far too much time in my old bedroom at the castle. Nobody stopped me from going there almost daily, since both Eddie and Dr. Scott were busy at work.

Betty, now quite pregnant with a little boy she planned to call Terrence, didn't really seem to mind looking after Rosaline.

"Janet says she has pneumonia," Magenta said with a chuckle, after our second hook-up.

I raised an eyebrow. "And that matters _why_?"

"She'll be so busy have pneumonia that she can't have sex."

"Is that an invitation to another meeting?" I asked, giggling.

"Obviously."

And so we carried on our little affair until Christmastime.

In some strange fit of madness, Eddie decided to host a little party on Christmas Eve. The fact that it was on Christmas Eve wasn't the problem, of course. No. The guest list was the problem.

He'd invited Janet, Brad, Betty, Ralph, Magenta, and Riffraff.

The last two people probably wouldn't get along with everyone else. Apparently the reason Janet had caught pneumonia involved the castle's pool and the main heater being broken. I never learned much more of that incident.

For the party, I was required to wear the usual clothing of an average American housewife. No glittery corsets or fishnets now. I had to wear this blue polka dot dress! And navy blue shoes with practically no heel! And a pair of sodding _white stockings_!

I was not happy. At all.

Oh, how I envied the outfit Magenta wore! A fitted black velvet dress, fishnets, red lipstick, and heels. Lucky her.

Riffraff wore his best bloodstained button down shirt and his least shabby jacket (among other things). He hadn't worn his fake hunchback, though. I suppose he wanted to look ordinary. Not that bloodstained shirts are ordinary...

Janet wore a pastel floral-print dress, while Betty wore a hideous ensemble that included lots of green and red plaid. Their husbands (and Eddie) wore perfectly respectable suits. So did Dr. Scott.

There was a tree in the living room.

Of course, there was supposed to be. It's Christmas. Yet it all felt rather silly.

Since it was only a party for friends, we weren't going to eat a fancy dinner. Just snobby people appetizers. You know, little bits of salmon on crackers and the like. And champagne. No proper food, no proper alcohol. That's why I don't like this sort of party.

After eating a few bites of salmon and toasting a few toasts to lots of silly things, it was present-opening time.

"Here's a card for each of you," Betty said, handing everyone an envelope.

"She hand drew the pictures," Ralph said proudly.

My card happened to have a drawing of a cat (somehow wearing a Christmas sweater) on it. I wasn't sure why. It had a tacky little poem about Christmas. Actually, it might've been a few lines from a public domain Christmas carol.

All of the so-called presents were just cards… except for one.

Riffraff gave Eddie a folder of some kind. "Open it now… if you'd… like."

And he did. I caught a glimpse of a few photographs and their seemed to be a paper or two carefully typed upon.

When Eddie held up one of the photos, I blushed.

"My, my! Is that what you did when I was sick?" Janet asked, after a moment of horribly awkward silence.

Brad shuddered in horror. "I really didn't need to see that sort of thing, even as just a photograph."

"Oh my… Nobody can get into that position!" Betty squealed, looking quite terrified.

"Actually, they can. Would you like me to demonstrate?" Magenta asked sweetly.

Betty hid behind her husband.

"Is zat really you und Magenta?" Dr. Scott asked, after carefully examining many of the pictures.

I took a deep breath. "Yes."

"What are you doing, though?" Eddie asked, raising an eyebrow.

Magenta laughed. "What does it look like? That's called ora-"

"Shut up, Magenta," I hissed.

"What? I want to see how much I can scare them! I'm pretty sure Betty will faint quite easily, though I'll have to describe things more graphically to frighten everyone else."

"As your brother and your most faithful lover, I order you to stop talking. Right. Now!" Riffraff said coldly.

"Brother _and_..." Betty began to say, then fainted.

That was quite an eventful evening.

* * *

 **A/N: If I'm allowed to have favorite lines that I wrote myself, I must say that I'm particularly proud of the phrase: "She'll be so busy having pneumonia that she can't have sex."**

* * *

 **Please Review!**


	15. Chapter 15

**Disclaimer: I don't own _The Rocky Horror Picture_ Show.**

 **A/N: A Christmas chapter written on Valentine's Day! Though it's not like I've actually got anyone to celebrate Valentine's day with...**

* * *

The next day Eddie wasn't talking to me. It was also Christmas.

Somehow we managed to get all the way to lunch without exchanging a single word. Of course, Uncle Everett helped us by acting as the occasional messenger. The whole thing was rather silly.

Near two in the afternoon, Uncle Everett cornered me in the study. Something about a wheelchair-bound, German speaking, 67-year-old man with a determined expression in his beady eyes is… _scary_.

"You need to stop vith zis nonsense. Eddie is angry for vhat you did, und rightfully so. But all zis ignoring is making everzing vorse!"

"What should I do, then?" I asked, very annoyed.

"Apologize to him. He vill still be angry, but at least he vill be less angry. Und never do zat again. Maybe it vas vrong for Riffraff to take zose pictures, but at least Eddie knows vhat you've done. You'd better not do zat again."

I nodded solemnly.

Juts as he began to wheel himself away, he turned around and gave me a Look. "Remember zat I gave you his mozer's room vhen you first showed up."

"I remember," I replied with a sigh.

He then wheeled away, leaving me standing beside a bookshelf. Full of classic books… like the ones I read with Magenta.

"I'll always remember."

What would I remember? Magenta and I reading plays together or the fact that Eddie's Uncle had trusted me so deeply when we'd just met. And now he didn't really trust me.

I needed to choose.

The crazy party girl I used to be and the responsible mother/wife I needed to be weren't the same person. Flickering between the two was hurting me. It was hurting everyone around me, too…

A shiver ran down my spine when I realized that Rosaline might end up seeing Betty Munroe as her mother. I'd been so busy wasting my time on madness that I'd probably missed my own daughter's first words!

I needed to be Mrs. Scott now. No more nonsense.

If Eddie could go from a cheap punk to a respectable stockbroker with relative ease, I could (in theory) go from party girl to average housewife.

But I would need everyone's help. Eddie, Uncle Everett, Betty, Brad, Janet… but not Magenta or any other Transylvanian. No, they were the problem.

My best friend/lover/confidante was the problem. Ha! Somehow I hadn't gotten addicted to the drugs or the alcohol. No, I'd gotten addicted to Magenta and her decadent lifestyle.

I wandered to the first floor bathroom and then stared at myself in the mirror that hung above the sink. Though my eyebrows had grown back, my hair was still bright pink. I needed to dye it back to its natural light brown.

But I couldn't do any of this alone.

Where was Eddie?

"Eddie? Darling?" I called as I wandered back into the hallway.

"He's in ze living room," Uncle Everett explained.

This startled me. I hadn't noticed him sitting right beside until he'd spoken!

The annoying thing about Uncle Everett being in a wheelchair is that he can easily sneak up on you. I'm slightly taller than average for a girl, so it's even worse for me. The only way I'd always see him is if I stare at the floor wherever I go.

"I must talk to Eddie," I said, half to myself.

"Zat's right!"

So I followed the old professor to the living room. Indeed, my husband sat there on the couch. He appeared to be reading one of the books from the library's many shelves.

After he set it down I realized that it was _A Tale of Two Cities._

"Why can't you be like Miss Manette?" he asked, much to my confusion.

"What?"

"Never mind. My uncle said you wish to speak to me. If I may be so bold… what did you wish to speak _about_?"

Uncle Everett set this up, didn't he? Though I was quite annoyed, I held my tongue. That didn't matter now.

"I'm addicted to the decadent lifestyle of Magenta and the other Transylvanians. I need you to help me stay away from her. I need all the help I can get… from you, Brad, Janet, Betty, and any other sane earthling. Please, Eddie!"

Noting the desperation in my voice, he stood up and walked towards where I stood.

"I promise, my dear, that I'll do anything to help you stay away from that fiendish woman."

Now crying slightly, I leaned against his shoulder. He put his arms around me and gave me an innocent kiss on the forehead.

Our sweet moment was ruined by Uncle Everett clearing his throat.

"Zat's very cute und everyzing, but it's Christmas. Ve have to open our presents und eat dinner. The clock vill strike four in only a few minutes."

We'd planned to eat dinner at about 5 o'clock. That meant we needed to cook dinner as soon as possible.

Somehow we managed to be the happily married couple again. I knew all the nonsense with Magenta wasn't over yet, but right then things were perfect.

For the rest of Christmas day, the world was _right_. Everyone liked his or her presents; Rosaline made some sort of mumbled sound that probably meant 'mommy'; and Eddie didn't seem so annoyed at me anymore.

Tomorrow we'd deal with all the craziness. Like Bob Cratchit, we all deserved a day off.

* * *

 **A/N: In case anyone was wondering, Bob Cratchit is the guy from _A Christmas Carol_ who has the crippled son ('Tiny Tim'). He is an overworked, underpaid clerk working for Scrooge. **

**Please Review!**


	16. Chapter 16

**Disclaimer: I don't own _The Rocky Horror Picture Show._**

 **A/N: I just realized something. The climax to _A Sci-Fi Fan's Adventure_ and the climax to this story both involve the play _Hamlet_ in one way or another. **

* * *

The next day, as predicted, wasn't so fun.

Yet it wasn't _all_ bad. Both Eddie and Uncle Everett weren't going back to work until next Monday. Christmas being on a Thursday is pretty convenient.

Today I needed to confront Magenta and do some epic thingy that means I hate her. Like a pistol duel in a western… but (hopefully) without the pistols. For some reason I actually wanted to duel her, even though I'd never learned how to fence.

Whatever I did, it needed to have some kind of finality to it. Something that told Magenta to bugger off _and_ made me stop wanting to be near her.

I told Eddie all this at breakfast.

"Well, you could write a speech. Or borrow one from Shakespeare. His speeches are very moving," he said thoughtfully.

Even then I wasn't used to Eddie being a respectable, responsible young man. Hearing him talk about Shakespeare bothered me. But the whole point was for this stuff to not bother me.

"I don't think a grand speech is a good idea. Do you have any other ideas?"

He nodded. "The bard's characters often insult each other. Hamlet says some pretty good stuff to Ophelia. The scene in which the play within a play happens might work."

"How exactly does he insult her?""He tells her to go to a 'nunnery'. In those days that could either be taken literally or mean a brothel."

I giggled. "Perfect! Can we read through that scene after breakfast?"

"If you'd like. Uncle Everett might even act as an audience for us, or a mock drama critic."

And so, after we'd both eaten, we made our way to the study. After looking around for a moment, Eddie found a battered old copy of _Hamlet, Prince of Denmark._

Eddie began to flip through the faded pages. "It's in Act 3, I believe… ah, yes. Act 3, Scene 2."

To my confusion he continued to turn the pages (alibi more slowly).

"What are you doing?" I asked.

" _Hamlet_ is a very long play. It's got really long scenes. So, I'm searching for the part of Act 3, Scene 2 that we need."

Finally he found the scene.

"Er, Eddie?" I said quietly, after reading through the page.

"Hmm?"

"I think this scene is just Hamlet saying random sexual innuendo at Ophelia. And I can't be the only one who thinks that. Somebody seems to have underlined the first syllable of 'country'."

Indeed, some previous owner of that book had underlined said word with a dark blue pen.

"Wrong page," Eddie said, after a moment.

"I'd say.

A moment later he discovered that the scene he'd been looking for was actually Act 3, Scene 1.

"Here we go! Read Prince Hamlet's lines, now," Eddie said, pointing to the proper dialogue.

I took a deep breath. " _Get thee to a_ \- can I just say 'you' instead of 'thee'? It's much easier that way. And I'll look less stupid."

"Whatever."

"Right, then… _get you to a_ \- wait, no- _go to a nunnery, bitch. You breeder of sinners! I'm honest, but I could accuse me_ \- what the hell?"

Eddie sighed. "I'll rewrite it for you. To make people think I'm smarter than I actually am, I've been reading this stuff constantly. I'm pretty sure I can convey the original meaning in modern words."

And so, he rewrote that scene into something a normal, modern person in the year 1975 would understand. And he changed a few things to make it a bit more relevant to this situation.

" _Now_ you can read it."

I did so. After a while I'd pretty much memorized it! That afternoon Eddie and Riffraff had plotted for Magenta and I to 'meet by chance' at that park in the middle of Denton. I wasn't sure if she knew, but I assumed she did. That clever little bugger knows everything.

After I'd gotten out of the car I began to worry. What if she'd brought some kind of actual weapon? Just shouting a speech might not work. Good thing Eddie gave me a small dagger in case she tries to physically attack me.

Then I noticed her sitting on a park bench reading a battered old copy of _Carmilla._

" _Go to a whorehouse_."

Her lovely green eyes narrowed. "You little-"

" _Why must you be a breeder of emotionless, sinful passion? I myself am somewhat virtuous_ -"

"No you aren't."

" _-but everyone has a vice. I am prideful, yes. Pissed off at you, yes. I've too many ideas to even try to act upon in order to avenge for what woe you caused me-"_

"I never did anything that _hurt_ you."

" _\- yet I'm not totally a bitch. But you'll never believe me!"_

"This is clearly scripted!"

" _Go to a whorehouse! That's where you belong, Magenta._ "

My speech now finished, I began to feel uneasy. As if someone were… watching me.

"Where is your brother?" I asked her.

She shrugged. "At the castle. Why do you care?"

"I feel like he's here somewhere, watching," I replied.

A strange silence fell upon us.

"That was a really pathetic attempt at a breakup speech, you know," Magenta said after a moment, smiling slightly.

I sighed. "Eddie rewrote a scene from _Hamlet_ to fit these circumstances. Sorry." I didn't know why I was apologizing. I'm supposed to not be nice to her anymore.

"So, tonight I was planning to-" Magenta began.

"I need to start avoiding you. It's destroying me! Magenta, I really need to stop seeing you. I can't be Columbia the groupie and Mrs, Edward D. Scott at the same time! Please, just go away and make things easier. Please…"

"Fine."

With that, she simply stood up and walked down a path that led into the forest that borders Denton on one side. I could still smell the cigarette she'd been smoking as I stood there for the next few seconds/minutes/hours/days.

* * *

 **Please Review!**


	17. Chapter 17

**Disclaimer: I don't own _The Rocky Horror Picture Show._**

 **A/N: This is nearly the end!**

 **And, dear reviewers, things will turn out better later on for Magenta and Columbia. In the next chapter they'll get a happy-ish ending.**

* * *

Hours after I recited that bizarre speech at Magenta, I was pacing around the study. Eddie and Uncle Everett were sitting on the couch. All three of us were trying to think of a way to solve the problem known as Magenta.

"Weren't you researching aliens or something?" I asked my- well, Eddie's- uncle.

"Nein, I vasn't. Ve really vere just pretending zat ve vere looking for UFOs. Ze actually project is a lot less fantastical. I von't say anything about it-"

Eddie raised an eyebrow.

"-except zat it _doesn't_ involve any now-disbanded Deutsche political parties!"

I had to bit my lip to avoid laughing.

"But we really must get Magenta and Riffraff to leave, at least for a few years. My poor wife will be quite disappointed if they don't."

"I'm standing right here! Don't call me you 'poor wife'. Are we in a sexist 19th century novel now… or something?" I asked.

Both of them ignored me.

"Ach! I can't believe zat zere isn't a vay to defeat ze aliens," Uncle Everett cried.

I rolled my eyes.

"This isn't a cheap b-picture with aliens made of cardboard. This is real life. In real life you don't need an evil laser of doom to 'defeat' them. Anyway, their starship is shaped like a castle. We only have to worry if they're piloting a fleet of green flying saucers. Though-"

I thought nobody was listening as I rambled on and on. After a while I realized they _were_ listening.

"Vhat vas zat about ze flying saucers?"

"I just wanted to see if you guys were listening," I explained with a shrug.

A rather awkward silence filled the study. It wasn't an ominous silence, more the sort you might 'hear' after a schoolboy of about 14 has made a particularly crude remark and the entire room isn't sure whether to giggle or call the BBC board of censorship.

"You know what?" Eddie said suddenly.

"Hmm?"

"The aliens have no actual motive to be here, as far as I can tell. Magenta can probably find other people to, er, have sex with. We could just suggest that they move to another world or even another area of Earth."

Uncle Everett beamed. "You really aren't as stupid as ve all zought!"

I gave him a Look and his cheerful expression faded into something much more mournful.

"Seriously, though. Doesn't anyone agree?"

"You know… the British are apparently very prudish. And who doesn't enjoy corrupting the innocent?" I said slowly.

"Do you mean we should send them to England?" Eddie asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Why not? I'm sure they'll like England!" I replied cheerfully.

"How vill ve do zis? Give zem a plane ticket und say 'auf wiedersehen'? Vhat sort of person does zat?"

"Why not be nice about it, and give them some fake papers? I'm sure you could get some things forged," I said, glancing at Uncle Everett.

I kneeled in front of him and grasped his hand. "And this is _also_ for me. Uncle Everett, it's so I can finally be a proper earthling. Please just help us. We can send Magenta and Riffraff to England. Give them false names and back stories."

"Thinking of the back stories will be fun," Eddie added.

Uncle Everett sighed. "Fine. Ve can make up backstories as long as zey are realistic. Und getting a few forged documents isn't too hard."

And so, together we invented two characters: Margaret Ford and her dear friend Robert Prefect. Both are out of work actors from Guildford. They're planning to move to London to find work in the theatre there. Though the names were a bit… odd… the stories we made up made sense.

And so, together we invented two characters: Margaret Ford and her dear friend Robert Prefect. Both are out of work actors from Guildford. They're planning to move to London to find work in the theatre there. Though the names were a bit… _odd_ , the stories we made up made sense. Well, enough sense.

Soon enough we'd finished 'plotting' everything.

I knew it would take a few days for Uncle Everett to get everything together. So I spent those days at home. I actually began top enjoy taking care of Rosaline for once. Looking at a smiling being that only exists because of you is lovely. And babies smile a lot. Maybe looking after her wouldn't be too terrible. Anyway, Betty was going to have her son any day now. I was in such an ordinary mood that I actually enjoyed a shallow conversation about baby clothes.

Anyway, about a week after Christmas, everything was prepared. All we needed to do was go to the castle, give Magenta the papers, and avoid getting seduced. The first two would be quite simple. The last… well, that's bound to be a challenge.

So that evening the three of us ('Auntie' Janet got to look after Rosaline) drove over to the Frankenstein place for the very last time. As we drove though the darkness I saw an abandoned house out of the corner of my eye. The exact same abandoned house in which Rosaline was conceived.

Where it all began.

I forced that thought to the back of my mind. Now was the time to focus on the future. A future where Magenta and her brother live in England…

Soon enough we reached the castle.

With far to cheerful a smile, I followed my husband and his uncle up the front walkway and to the looming doorway. Eddie knocked on the door.

"It's you!" Magenta squealed when she opened the door only moments later.

Her eyes were widened in shock. I couldn't tell if her face had paled because of all the makeup she wore. How lovely she looked. Her red lips-

And there I stopped myself. I forced myself to stare at the floor.

I wasn't allowed to think like that right now.

* * *

 **Please Review! (As Columbia and Magenta themselves once said: "More, more, more!")**


	18. Chapter 18

**Disclaimer: I don't own _The Rocky Horror Picture Show._ Though I am currently watching the DVD of it (which I _do_ own) on my computer! For the fifth time since yesterday evening... bloody hell. **

**A/N: We are at _the_ END!**

 **...ye gods, that sounds dreadful. I meant that the _story_ is almost finished, not that the world is about to end. The latter would be quite inconvenient for many beings. Especially the mice. How they hate it when computer programs end too early! **

* * *

We all sat down in the library. I made sure to sit down between my husband and the arm of the couch.

"Ve vanted to offer you a deal. It vould not be very good if you und Columbia are too near each ozzer."

"Oh?" Riffraff asked.

"We've found a way for you guys to move across the ocean to a country called England. You'll actually be _living_ in the capital city- a place called London," Eddie explained.

I handed Magenta the folder we'd compiled. "Here's some of the stuff you'll need. Passports and stuff."

"Thank you… _darling_ ," she whispered, give me a rather suggestive look.

Eddie cleared his throat. "Moving on, please."

"Please do… stop," Riffraff whispered, wrapping his arm around his darling sister's waist.

An incredibly awkward silence ensued. Finally, Magenta spoke.

"Would anyone like, er, a drink? We could open a bottle of some of that high quality stuff. What's it called again…?"

"Amontillado," Riffraff muttered.

Magenta smiled. "Right! Amontillado! Ha! I think there's a book about it…"

"Well," said Eddie, "There's a short story in which a man named Fortunato is tricked into believing that his 'dear friend' Montressor has an entire cask of the stuff. Of course, Montressor is really just trying to lure Fortunato into the catacombs beneath his house in order to bury him alive."

"Don't worry… I won't bury you alive," Magenta purred.

The voice she usually spoke in seemed to make both Eddie and Uncle Everett very uncomfortable. Not that she cared.

We all drank a bit of the Amontillado, got slightly tipsy, and Magenta sang a sickening drinking song which discussed how unpleasant buggering a hedgehog must be.

Just before we (Eddie, Uncle Everett, and I) left, I hugged Magenta.

"Don't worry. I'll write to you every week," I whispered in her ear. "We can be pen pals!"

Looking rather confused, she moved away from me. Out of the corner of my eye I noticed Eddie scowling.

"Pen pals?" Magenta asked, after staring blankly at me for a while.

I giggled. "It's when people- _friends_ \- send letters to each other all the time. It'll be some much fun!"

And it was. We exchanged news at least once a week, once she'd gone.

I only got slight glimpses of her life. From what I could tell she was becoming an actress in some of the non-professional theaters. I never actually found out at which theaters she played, though. Probably for the best, it kept me from running off.

* * *

 **Epilogue** :

And so, the Scott family lived happily ever after. Well, as happily as one can live in a town full of conservatives.

Mr. Edward D. Scott became a well-respected stockbroker. He earned the proper amount of money for his family. Also, he went golfing with his friends Mr. Majors and Mr. Hapschatt nearly every weekend.

Mrs. Scott never truly became a 'normal'. For one thing, she kept dyeing her hair. It always seemed to be a slightly different shade of burgundy. It never was bright pink, however. She knew that she was too old for _that._ As the years went by she continued her hobby of tap dancing and even became a dance-teacher for quite a few years.

What of the baby, you ask? What happened to baby Rosaline?

The baby Rosaline grew up to be a girl named Rosaline.

Who grew up to be a teenager named Rosaline.

And she wanted to date Terry Hapschatt.

And get stoned.

Not that she actually achieved either of those goals…

Of course, the world wasn't perfect.

Mr. and Mrs. Scott never forgot the Transylvanians. As a tribute to her close friend (who she hadn't seen face-to-face in ages), Mrs. Scott saw all the Monty Python movies. Including one entitled _The Meaning of Life_.

Mrs. Scott was the only audience member who didn't vomit at some point whilst at the showing of that movie. Though she almost fainted when she saw the scene involving a schoolteacher and his wife teaching sex ed by screwing in front of the poor students.

And the wife looked _far_ too familiar...

Mrs. Scott was quite shocked to see her friend in a movie. Especially a movie starting actors which Magenta had always been a fan of!

When Mrs. Scott later inquired about this in a letter, her dear friend admitted that she'd found fame and fortuen under the new name 'Mina Quinn'.

All in all, everything was perfectly wonderful for 15 years.

* * *

 **Here's a list of things I referenced in this chapter:**

 **- _The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy_**

 ** _-_ Sir Terry Pratchett's _Discworld_ books**

 ** _\- Monty Python's Life of Brian_**

 **Can you, dearest reader, spot those references?**

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 **A/N: In a sequel I ( _might_ ) write, the character Mina Quinn will be a semi-famous actress. She'll replace other actors in in-universe versions of other movies. Since the might-not-happen sequel will involve a _Star Trek:TNG_ fan, I'm debating whether or not to 'replace' Marina Sirtis with Mina Quinn. An actress who looks like a young version of Patricia Quinn is much more attractive than Marina Sirtis was in that. For one thing, Ms. Sirtis looks awful with a wildly curly hairstyle...**

* * *

 **Please Review!**

 **Tell me what you though of the story as a whole! Well, only the nice things about the story as a whole.**


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